Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
I always forget how overwhelmingly intense suicidal thoughts are. When I am fine I often think how simple it would be to ignore these thoughts. But as I now very clearly know, intrusive thoughts do not work in this way. It’s often so sudden and spontaneous that it takes me completely off guard, and used to leave me completely silenced. I was so overwhelmed by the intense thoughts in my mind to end my life that my body reacted in the way it would to shock. I’ve always questioned how my brain can switch its train of thinking so suddenly, one moment being calmly happy, the next thinking only of suicide. It’s clear from reading this that I haven’t acted on these thoughts. This doesn’t suggest it is not easy, but I have always found a reason. I try to tell myself that it is just an intrusive thought and I do not really want to kill myself. It’s hard to convince myself, but using logic is what has helped me most. I kept these experiences to myself for a very long time. My partner now knows but I think they find it difficult to know how to help me when it’s happening, which leaves me with guilt. I can see behind his kindness that he doesn’t quite understand. How can I be so suicidal yet not want to end my life? This has been happening for a long time, not just weeks, months but a few years. This is a long time, so I can’t just imagine them disappearing as fast as they appeared, yet I’m not quite sure how to help myself besides what I’m currently doing. I shall end this blog post on the fact I have survived a 100% of my suicidal thoughts, which is an achievement. I do want to live, despite what my brain is telling me.