Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
This is hard for me to write as I’m afraid it doesn’t make me valid. I shall start with a brief outline of my mental health journey so far, to give you a clearer picture of my situation. My mental health stories starts in high school, where I began withdrawing myself completely from my friends and peers. I was a popular teenager, but began to spend my free times alone, reading. I had no reason for doing this, I’m not sure why I no longer wanted to eat lunch with my friends, but would rather skip the food and read my book alone. My teachers and closest friends became concerned, but I assured them I was fine. This is when my self harming began, I would use a blade to cut my wrists and legs. This was my little secret, I went through the rest of high school without anyone finding out about my self harm. I left education with no friends, and felt very alone in the world, despite I being the one to withdraw myself.
I moved to a new city far from home, and tried to start a new life. This worked in some ways,but really not in others. I really enjoyed the new environment, and living with my partner, yet my mental illness didn’t disappear like I imagined it would. My intrusive thoughts of suicide (Separate blog post) became more prominent. I found them difficult to cope with, and dreaded being alone, or doing things without my partner. I was aware it was difficult for him, and this made me feel worse. That year was filled a lot with not leaving the bedroom, hysterical crying and intense worry. I developed an intense worry that my partner would pass out when no one was around, again I have no idea where this came from. I would spend the whole day trying to distract myself from these worries. Around this time my boyfriend forced me into visiting the doctor, I promised to make an appointment, and I kept to it. The appointment constantly worried me, and by the time I was in the doctors office I was too overwhelmed to comprehend what was happening, so I didn’t say very much, and left the talking to my boyfriend.
They referred me to the early intervention centre , where I had a thorough evaluation, which was only centred about psychosis related disorders, as I don’t suffer from these they discharged me after the evaluation and would not be seen by their care. My doctor phoned to tell me I couldn’t been seen by this service, and my mental health was too complex to be seen by the doctors office counsellor, and that was the end of my brief interaction with mental health care services.
From this point I realised I was alone in my ‘recovery’ journey, and suddenly had the determination to better myself. I looked for part time work, I started further education and fought my daily anxieties until they were no longer issues. I strongly believe the more you do something the easier it gets, so this is what I did. I have no idea where this sudden motivation came from, but I put it down to wanting to be better for my boyfriend.
I am currently doing a lot better, and have been for over a year now. My anxiety completely disappeared, that makes it sound simple, it wasn’t, it took a lot of hard work, but am so so so relieved anxiety isn’t in my life anymore. I haven’t self harmed in 4 years. I still suffer with intrusive thoughts, mostly about suicide and worthlessness. I am able to be in control of how I process these most of the time, and usually am able to work through it without any support. I still get very lonely sometimes as I have no friends of my own.
I still believe I’d benefit from some professional support, but can see this isn’t really an option for me. My mental health still affects my life considerably but I am able to cope. I hope one day I will no longer suffer with mental illness, I shall take one day at a time. This isn’t my whole story, just a brief outline, I’ve left a few mental health issues out, like purging ect. I am not sure what mental illness’s I suffer with, but don’t feel the need to label them. I hope anyone reading currently struggling will still think their mental health is valid, diagnosis or not. There is support out there if you need it. I can be this, I am only a message away if anyone want’s someone to talk to.