Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
This is a really hard post to write, as it always brings me to tears when I think about it. I wrote my suicide letters. Yes plural, I wrote individual letters to each person in my life, all inspirational and targeted uniquely to them, I didn’t want anyone to feel guilt. I felt everyone deserved their own.
Even when the date passed that I had planned to end my life, I didn’t get rid of the letters, just in case I would spontaneously decide I would commit suicide again.
I finally destroyed the letters recently, as I am well enough to know suicide is not to be my way out, and hopefully never will be. It upsets me to think about as I was so close to saying goodbye to my family and those close to me, I couldn’t bear to hurt them in that way now, I didn’t see this is at the time, I believed they would be better off without me. It makes me feel guilty that I could have done this to them.
I still struggle with suicidal ideation, but not to the extent of intention. If you have ever survived an attempt, or even just an intrusive thought, you are strong, a survivor. Please seek help if you are struggling. I am here for ANYONE, simply pop me a message. Thank you to anyone reading. Stay strong.
I just realized I am writing this on suicide awareness day.