Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
This is probably really confusing to read, and I can’t find the right words to explain in well either. In simply; I often feel very suicidal, but in general I am not depressed. I know what depression feels like, I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I wake up everyday wanting to do things, I experience genuine joy in doing things. I have ambition to challenge myself everyday. I’m optimistic about my degree, I can study undistracted, I want to succeed.
I just spontaneously experience sudden intrusive thoughts, mostly of ending my life. They don’t happen often, but when they do, they occur randomly. I guess more so when I am stressed. When they do occur, they are so intense, they make me believe suicide is my only option.
Once the intrusive thoughts leave, I am usually fine again, simply just a few hours later after being very suicidal. It rarely lasts until the following day. Yet they are so overwhelming that I am afraid of acting on impulse. This is the main reason I am struggling still, despite feeling mentally well in all other aspects. I have been doing really well for quite a few months now, it’s truly an amazing feeling.
My therapist says there is a chance that the intrusive thoughts may never disappear. That frightens me a lot. It’s just a matter of learning how to control them. We are currently working on this. (Before I found out the other day that my therapist is leaving. Check last blog post). In therapy we call it SI; suicidal ideation. Is it possible to suffer with SI without any other mental illness? I have never been diagnosed with depression, but don’t know how to describe these suicidal thoughts. Opinions and comments would be greatly welcome! If you too are dealing with SI, Please seek help. My email is always open too! Thank you for reading my ramble.