Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

images

This is probably really confusing to read, and I can’t find the right words to explain in well either. In simply; I often feel very suicidal, but in general I am not depressed. I know what depression feels like, I haven’t felt that way in a long time. I wake up everyday wanting to do things, I experience genuine joy in doing things. I have ambition to challenge myself everyday. I’m optimistic about my degree, I can study undistracted, I want to succeed.

I just spontaneously experience sudden intrusive thoughts, mostly of ending my life. They don’t happen often, but when they do, they occur randomly. I guess more so when I am stressed. When they do occur, they are so intense, they make me believe suicide is my only option.

Once the intrusive thoughts leave, I am usually fine again, simply just a few hours later after being very suicidal. It rarely lasts until the following day. Yet they are so overwhelming that I am afraid of acting on impulse. This is the main reason I am struggling still, despite feeling mentally well in all other aspects. I have been doing really well for quite a few months now, it’s truly an amazing feeling.

My therapist says there is a chance that the intrusive thoughts may never disappear. That frightens me a lot. It’s just a matter of learning how to control them. We are currently working on this. (Before I found out the other day that my therapist is leaving. Check last blog post). In therapy we call it SI; suicidal ideation. Is it possible to suffer with SI without any other mental illness? I have never been diagnosed with depression, but don’t know how to describe these suicidal thoughts. Opinions and comments would be greatly welcome! If you too are dealing with SI, Please seek help. My email is always open too! Thank you for reading my ramble.

17 thoughts on “I’m not depressed but still suicidal?

  1. No, I get where you’re coming from though I believe I do have depression. I don’t know for sure because I haven’t talked to a professional or anything, but I understand where you’re coming from. What helps me (though I can’t guarantee it’ll help you) is I come up with reasons each day for me to continue living. I’ve found for me that whenever my thoughts are at their darkest it really helps because it gives me something to look forward to each day.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m definitely thinking about bringing it up the next time I see my doctor. I have high cholesterol issues, which I’ve gotten genetically from both sides of my family. So I need to go to my doctor anyway to see how my cholesterol is doing (probably really terrible because I have a huge soda drinking problem that I’m trying my best to stop, but it’s hard when at my job I get fountain drinks for free and the water there doesn’t taste as good). But I’m going to keep trying because that’s my biggest issue right now. I’m also thinking of seeing a therapist too because I’ve heard that really helps.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, yes, I have SI without ever being diagnosed or believing I was depressed eg never lost appetite or sex drive never had problems sleeping etc, never off work. It became a habit, a go to coping strategy, last resort, Plan B. I still go there when I get tired or very upset but it always passes. I wrote a self help work book ‘Self help for the suicidal’ by Rachel Doran available v. cheap on Amazon couldn’t put it on free but is cheapest possible I think. Also metanoia has a page on Internet re explaining how suicide is just an understandable imbalance between stress and coping resources, which I found comforting. I’ve come to accept a degree of SI now and again as perhaps an aspect of my personality but I don’t get as scared by it as I used to, because it always passes. We just need to stay safe until those urges or thoughts wear off. Stay safe. Thank you for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have this often too! It’s scary and confusing to actually try to explain to someone, because I feel like, if they haven’t been through it, it sounds really severe and distressing – but, it’s not as jarring as it sounds. But to say, “sometimes I’ll be washing the dishes and I think I should throw myself over the balcony or run into the traffic,” sounds really messed up. I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been, and I feel sort of shocked with myself when those things pop into my head because, no, bad brain? Like, we talked about this, we’re not doing that suicidal thinking stuff anymore.
    Personally it fluctuates, sometimes, when I’m struggling with life more than usual, they’re more frequent. Overall I don’t feel like it impacts me, but perhaps it more a symptom of something else I’m constantly grappling with psychologically (who knows, is it the predisposition to depression or the existential anxiety?).

    But you’re not alone, and if you ever figure out more about it, I’d be excited to read about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If you’re wondering if you can be suicidal without being depressed, I think yes. My ex-therapist once said to me that he knows I’m not depressed or anxious although most people would say that people struggling with what SI, SH etc probably are.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry to hear you’re experiencing these thoughts they are truly scary, I hope you have the right support around you to help you through this. I have SAD so I only experience it during spring time and even then I wonder if I’ll go “all the way” but I’m very lucky that I have a very supportive family. Hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. There were moments that I get to have that feeling too. Now that I am formally diagnosed with MDD, I am aware of the difference of wanting to die because of depression and wanting to die even not being in depression. I was happy and content at times but still feels the urge to want to die in stressful moments. I am fully aware that it is not the only answer, but my mind is very rational with its arguments as why I have to die.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s