Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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I suppose this is a weird thing to write as I have never actually been on medication for my mental health, this post is an attempt to explain why. My fear is large enough to have prevented me completely, even against professional advice.

I guess I’m afraid of the thought that the medication will change my brain activity. Even though isn’t this what makes me, me? If the medication changes my brain activity, my thoughts, then I won’t be myself. I don’t want to be controlled by chemicals. (this is ironic as my own brain chemicals are controlling me haha)

I do not like my current brain; the intrusive thoughts that control me, I want them to go, but on my own work, not that of medication. Well, if that’s possible… Can a chemical imbalance be cured without chemical medication? On talking therapy alone? I’m not sure, I should probably try and find that one out.

On another note, if I were to start medication, I would only want it to be temporary, I wouldn’t want to rely on medication for life. Would this mean I’d become poorly again as soon as I stop them, or is slowly reducing the dose until I adapt effective? Also, medication, as well as therapy is very expensive. Too much to think about!

This is not disregarding anyone who is on medication, if it works for you, that’s the most important thing, and I can ensure you it is nothing to be ashamed of. This post is very personal to me, it’s just my fear.

I currently don’t plan to start medication for my mental health anytime soon, I am currently doing CBT, so will reevaluate after a few months. I’m not going to say I am completely against the idea, if things got considerably worse, or my opinion changes, I will consider it. I forgot to write that the medication that has been suggested for me is antipsychotics and anti-anxieties.

This is just my personal view, I’d like to hear yours too, please comment them! Thank you for reading.

27 thoughts on “My fear of mental health medication

  1. I have similar thoughts.
    Doctors are so quick to push medication, I have been prescribed multiple pills for depression, anxiety, etc. but have never taken them.
    I have found a therapist who agrees with me, and we are doing talk therapy as well as breathing exercises, getting closer to nature, plus some other random things. It’s been working okay for the past few months.
    -C

    Liked by 3 people

  2. My general approach is: if it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t go. I take my vitamin in the morning because I feel groggy and weary when I don’t.
    I watched my mother succumb happily to pharmaceuticals and pretty much just never had her in my life. Most of my teenage years, she was hooked on opiates. Since then, it’s been antidepressants, but I still haven’t heard from her since before my son was born.
    I went through my round of crap pretty quickly. Sleep troubles led me to taking otc pills, and when that didn’t help I went to the Dr. I went back after the prescription made me feel worse. Tried another, felt equally shitty but in a different way. Went a few rounds before I just cut it off altogether. A few years later, I was put on antidepressants. Same rodeo. My studies took a sharp nose dive and my friends worried about me. I went from solving differential equations to struggling to remember where to be next. I ended up keeping a notebook on me just to record my thoughts and feelings because I had never felt so stupid and crazy in my life. I’ve been depressed, you know. I have had a few moments in my life, close calls, I guess. But, I decidedly would rather battle all my fears at the same time and lose than to be a pharmaceutical zombie.
    My girl has also recently ditched her hormone prescription, and is enjoying relief from symptoms she’s been suffering from for years. She still takes an otc sleep aid, but it does help her get a full and restorative night’s sleep.
    I don’t know your situation in depth, but I’m a full believer that exercise and staying hydrated makes a huge difference all around. Exercise has to be enjoyable, so whether it’s a walk, bicycling around, yoga, martial arts (by far the easiest one to stay engaged in, imo), ping pong at the pub is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.
    I heard a speech about mental health that suggest 5 things I also subscribe to as being effective. Be in the sun (the real one, not light bulbs). Eat fish (if you are a fish eater). Talk to a friend (with your voice, preferably in person). Exercise (it must be important). Be grateful (for something, anything, if only for the time you have on this earth and the capacity to feel all the things you feel).
    Do what you need to do to be well, but be honest with yourself in doing it. I suggest keeping a moleskin, app, or other ‘well being log’ as you go. It really helps after a while to see the trend. Not a diary or journal, just a ‘time stamped’ log of significant events/feelings. It can even be coded or short hand for privacy.
    Sorry if that was a lot! I imagine you already feel overwhelmed with the situation. Breathe, love, and put one foot in front of the other.
    One day at a time. ✌

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story. This has to be my favorite comment since starting my blog, so very helpful. Please know how much I appreciate this! I’m addicted to hydration, I have a bottle of water with me at all times haha. I need to start exercising more,I struggle finding a balance of healthy and obsessive. I might buy a moleskin and start fresh! One day at a time! Thank you so much, I hope you are well!<3

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, one day at a time.
        Sometimes I think about my very first lesson in high school psych: one can only be crazy by having an abnormal reaction to a normal stimulus. So, the corollary to that is that there is nothing crazy about any reaction to abnormal stimuli. I don’t know where you are in life, but I certainly have some pretty abnormal situations that slap me in the face every day. There’s a freaking big ol smear of toothpaste down the bathroom wall, and that’s just the first ‘normal’ part of my day! 😂

        Liked by 2 people

  3. I hope I can give you a bit of hope from my own personal experience and struggles with medications. I have been where you are. I did however go on medications and was on them for 15 yrs. I went off them, abruptly (which is not recommended) two years ago. I have to say it helped me enormously and curbed so many symptoms I was having. I was also incredibly worried about the “me” or “not me” scenario. I feel I was able to be more me! Free to be more creative and shine brighter because I wasn’t bogged down with uneccessary thinking. CBT is awesome and I think DBT is even better. Thete are so many holistic rputes as well. I incorporate herbs both pill form and oils, meditation, aromatherapy, yoga, chanting and light therapy into my routine to stay on top of my mental health. Ultimately the medication addition decision is so personal and you have to do what’s best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome. I use lavender, lemongrass, sage, frankincense, bergamot orange, ylang ylang, jasmine, chamomile,and sweet basil. I take Valerian root in pill form. There has been research that has proven these essential oils work on different parts if the brain to reduce anxiety and depression.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m doing a lot better than I was before, but I do have my moments. I’ve learnt to control my emotions a lot better, but there’s still that lingering feeling if you get what I mean

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oooh I’m sorry, I’ve only just come across your blog, but what a great post. It made me really think and I like that. My view, based on my own experiences and therefore with the benefit of hindsight, for what it’s worth, is this .. If you loathe the thought of medications, then try everything else first. CBT, group sessions, exercise (every single day), yoga/Pilates/some form of meditation/controlled breathing exercises, fresh air every single day, ditch any booze if you drink, healthy diet and ditch the sugar alongside getting out every day and engaging with the world (even if you don’t work, sitting in a coffee shop and doing your blog is great too, chatting with a friend etc). The thing is that this has to be done not just once or twice, but every single day …. literally. Eventually, it will all become a habit, a routine and will be easy and of course it all depends on how bad you are to start with. I was hiding under the bed with a pack of ginger nuts so not too good! For me, I need to do all of the above in conjunction with medication and it works. I have blips of course, but I now understand enough about what I need to get me to operate relatively normally. I do hope this helps. I think the answer is … never say never. If you’re doing absolutely everything and it’s just not working and your life is being wrecked as a result, then obviously yes, I think it’s worth talking to the GP and seeing what options there are, or indeed if some herbal remedies might be worth considering. Good luck and forgive my rambling, but I hope it’s some help. You’ve got a follower in me though I’m afraid! I want to see you’re ok!! Hugs. Katie x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I went from being outgoing and social to a zombie dealing with constant side effects. Then after having to go cold turkey off of 13 pills of about 5 or 6 types of psych meds I was sucked out of my body for 5 years and finally came back to reality about four years ago. And that was me being lucky i could be a vegetable right now. 9 years clean. I think CBD is extremely effective is your consistant and dedicated. Your on thw right path. Its a yearly step of progression. YOU GOT THIS!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow it’s comforting to see someone who has the same opinion as me, I’m currently trying everything I can to help with my anxiety, any form of medication would be my last option.

    Liked by 1 person

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