Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
I suppose this is a weird thing to write as I have never actually been on medication for my mental health, this post is an attempt to explain why. My fear is large enough to have prevented me completely, even against professional advice.
I guess I’m afraid of the thought that the medication will change my brain activity. Even though isn’t this what makes me, me? If the medication changes my brain activity, my thoughts, then I won’t be myself. I don’t want to be controlled by chemicals. (this is ironic as my own brain chemicals are controlling me haha)
I do not like my current brain; the intrusive thoughts that control me, I want them to go, but on my own work, not that of medication. Well, if that’s possible… Can a chemical imbalance be cured without chemical medication? On talking therapy alone? I’m not sure, I should probably try and find that one out.
On another note, if I were to start medication, I would only want it to be temporary, I wouldn’t want to rely on medication for life. Would this mean I’d become poorly again as soon as I stop them, or is slowly reducing the dose until I adapt effective? Also, medication, as well as therapy is very expensive. Too much to think about!
This is not disregarding anyone who is on medication, if it works for you, that’s the most important thing, and I can ensure you it is nothing to be ashamed of. This post is very personal to me, it’s just my fear.
I currently don’t plan to start medication for my mental health anytime soon, I am currently doing CBT, so will reevaluate after a few months. I’m not going to say I am completely against the idea, if things got considerably worse, or my opinion changes, I will consider it. I forgot to write that the medication that has been suggested for me is antipsychotics and anti-anxieties.
This is just my personal view, I’d like to hear yours too, please comment them! Thank you for reading.