Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of mental illness, especially eating disorders. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
This probably sounds like I am going write a post on all the things that make me feel insecure, but no, that’s not helpful to anyone. It’s just a little ramble.
I have very low self esteem and image, and I’m not exactly sure why, or how to explain. Here’s an example;
Last week I had a job interview, I was very nervous and felt It did not go well, despite having a good resume and being able to answer all the questions. I pushed all thoughts about the job out of my mind, and forgot out it. I got a call a few days later saying out of the one hundred people they interviewed, they would like me to do a trail shift. This doesn’t mean I’ve got the job, as a few others also were going to do a trial, and they would then choose out of those on trial. I did my trial shift last week, and I enjoyed it, but knew the job wasn’t mine as I wouldn’t be better than the others. Yesterday I got a call,the job was mine, I stood out, they were very impressed. I start in a few days. One hundred people and they thought I was best? I still don’t believe it,maybe it was luck?
I know I have the skills, and I’m a smiley person, but I genuinely believe everyone else is better than me. I have no idea how to get over this? I don’t push myself as I’m afraid it’ll look like I’m over confident. I don’t speak up even when I know how to do something that someone else doesn’t, as I don’t want them to think I’m better than them. I overthink far too much. If I make a small mistake, I obsess over it for the rest of the day, and feel stupid. Yet in my mind, I know its very minor and everyone else has forgotten.
I have a very logical part of my brain, but the other half fails to listen to it.
It’s not just in work, in most aspects of my life too. It affects my study. I do well in my degree,I enjoy it, I’m always a week or two ahead as it makes me comfortable. But I still feel stupid. I get good grades as I naturally have a good memory, not because I’m smart. Yet I’ve never failed, I’m always up to date, I get relatively good grades, doesn’t that logically mean I am doing well in my education? Why can’t I have faith and confidence in myself and abilities?
Low body image:
I understand why this is an issue, it seems logical to me. I use to have an eating disorder. I can understand why I currently feel low about myself, but I can see a way to work towards it. I am finally in a place where I can eat food consistently, without consequence behavior, this has resulted in weight gain. I’m not overweight, but my bmi is high healthy, not what I am used to, or comfortable with. I want to lose weight, of course I do, its engraved in my thoughts, but I know now it’ll not be healthy to currently do so.
TW! I used to only eat once per 24 hours, and if I were to binge eat, I’d purge straight after. I haven’t made myself throw up this year, despite eating lots of treat food. I use to chew my food, but not swallow it. I only realized recently how disordered that is! I turned vegetarian to cut food groups out, not for ethical reasons. Again, I didn’t realize this was disordered until recently. If I’m craving something now, I let myself eat it, even if it’s a little over indulgent.
I’m going to continue to let myself eat spontaneously, until I build a secure healthy relationship with food. I aim to have a consistent, healthy diet,but also includes treats. I’m not there yet. I can currently only believe a diet will consist of restriction.
I currently avoid thinking of my body, it’s working for me being naive. I don’t weigh myself. I avoid looking in full length mirrors. I wear clothes I am comfortable in. This isn’t a permanent solution, but one that is short term working for me.
This post makes little sense, has little structure but I shall still post as this is my blog, and therefore should not have expectations. Thank you for reading.
p.s- anyone who read my last post, I have an appointment to donate blood in 3 days(!!)