Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
I’ve always felt the need to have a distinct identity. When someone asks what do you do? I want to be able to answer with a definitive; a doctor, a teacher, an athlete, someone who travels a lot? But I have no answer. I’m studying for a degree, so do I just say I’m a student? I don’t feel like this is a large part of my life currently. I do college/university online
I’ve struggled so much with needing a purpose, but not knowing what it is. I still don’t. I am hoping to one day find passion. I would then be able to pursue it, even if its not related to my degree. I have 3 years of my degree left, I hope I figure it out before then, I guess its ok if don’t. I know (hope)that I will find it one day.
When feeling suicidal I often look for reasons why I am worthy, and rarely can think of any. What am I bringing into the world? I have no friends, I don’t regularly talk to anyone apart from my boyfriend so I don’t need to worry that my going will cause large pain to others. It sounds silly that my reasons for staying alive are my partner, but it’s true. What if we break apart, how am I going to find a reason to live? How can I put this much pressure on him? I feel selfish. We have been together 5 years now, so am confident he wants me in his life. He invited me to move in, we have been living together for a few years now, but when I overthink, this logic goes out of the window. I am hugely comforted if he is there when I experience suicidal ideation. I shouldn’t be relying on anyone.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel safe in my own company. I feel lonely. I’ve tried making friends, as cringey as that is. I don’t connect with anyone. I feel so left out. Why can’t I find people who share the same interests as me? After losing the connection with my best friend a few years ago, I don’t think any friendship can compare. I struggle to trust others, how will I be friendship material?
Lack of friendship and not quite being ready for my career to begin have left me feeling worthless. Who am I without these things? I need a purpose.