Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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I’ve always felt the need to have a distinct identity. When someone asks what do you do? I want to be able to answer with a definitive; a doctor, a teacher, an athlete, someone who travels a lot? But I have no answer. I’m studying for a degree, so do I just say I’m a student? I don’t feel like this is a large part of my life currently. I do college/university online

I’ve struggled so much with needing a purpose, but not knowing what it is. I still don’t. I am hoping to one day find passion. I would then be able to pursue it, even if its not related to my degree. I have 3 years of my degree left, I hope I figure it out before then, I guess its ok if don’t. I know (hope)that I will find it one day.

When feeling suicidal I often look for reasons why I am worthy, and rarely can think of any. What am I bringing into the world? I have no friends, I don’t regularly talk to anyone apart from my boyfriend so I don’t need to worry that my going will cause large pain to others. It sounds silly that my reasons for staying alive are my partner, but it’s true. What if we break apart, how am I going to find a reason to live? How can I put this much pressure on him? I feel selfish. We have been together 5 years now, so am confident he wants me in his life. He invited me to move in, we have been living together for a few years now, but when I overthink, this logic goes out of the window. I am hugely comforted if he is there when I experience suicidal ideation. I shouldn’t be relying on anyone.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel safe in my own company. I feel lonely. I’ve tried making friends, as cringey as that is. I don’t connect with anyone. I feel so left out. Why can’t I find people who share the same interests as me? After losing the connection with my best friend a few years ago, I don’t think any friendship can compare. I struggle to trust others, how will I be friendship material?

Lack of friendship and not quite being ready for my career to begin have left me feeling worthless. Who am I without these things? I need a purpose.

17 thoughts on “I don’t know who I am?

  1. *hug* I’m sure you can do this! And you’re not alone. Suicide thought are no fun ( I known). All I can say is take it one baby step at the time. Like for me. I started to look for 1 positive thing each day. Things as simple as the sun is shining or someone gave me a compliment or I got out of bed.

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  2. I was telling my teenager a few days ago who was having some feelings of hopelessness that one thing you can be certain of is that time brings change: Just because you feel like this now does not mean you will always feel the same.

    Equally, feelings of extreme happiness are transitory but that is a good thing – the pleasure would become mundane otherwise.

    Enjoy the good times and during the not-so-good keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing this feeling too shall pass. Sending you positive vibes. (Noticing the natural world around me helps.)

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  3. I feel you. It’s so brave of you to speak (write) those things out. I’m a person who’s not good at describing feeling and thoughts (or probably I’m just always not sure what I’m feeling). I’ve just read your mental illness medication post. I don’t want to take medication, but I am on antidepressants. I’m fear for my kidneys. And I’m also afraid what gonna happen to my brain. Aaah, I talk to much. Haha. Hope you have a nice day.

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  4. You would be amazed at how many people’s lives you touch and how many would miss you even though you can’t see it right now. When my oldest son died from a drug overdose people came out of the woodwork commenting on how he had touched their lives in one way or another. More importantly don’t worry about whether you are missed or not but rather live in a way that makes you happy. Sure it’s nice to be able to tell people what your career is but don’t let that be your driving factor. Do what you love and enjoy it to the fullest because it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. When you enjoy what you do and live a life that makes you happy, people around you will feed off of your happiness. Like something I posted a while back (now I need to revisit and post it on my blog) Let You Be You!

    Feel free to reach out to me anytime! I will be a friend. May you have a wonderful day!

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  5. Albert Camus in The Myth of Sisyphus said there is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. By the way, he concludes that life is worth living.

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  6. Thank you! Over the many years of therapy, growing and changing, this is one area I fight. I don’t have friends either, unless you say my fur babies count. I too have a partner, however, I have started to practice the mantra that if he weren’t here (which happens with travel out of town and long hours at work), I need to be alive for my pets, on my darkest days they have never not been there.

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  7. Such a heartfelt post x I had a period of my life (well, several) where I felt exactly the same as you do now. I was 19, working on a factory production line, living like a pauper in a horrendous relationship. The only thing that kept me going was my dog, because I knew he needed me and nobody else could care for him in the way that I do. Might sound daft but could caring for an animal help you find meaning, fulfillment and motivation in your life? x

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    1. Thank you for your comment, and I’m sorry you went through this. It doesn’t sound daft, I have actually considered this, and no lot’s of people who have found ‘recovery pets’ so beneficial. I’m just not in the right stage of life to have a full time pet x

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