Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
I haven’t written many posts on mental health recently, as I have been doing really well! Plus couldn’t think of ideas. Today that has changed. Today I thought ending my life was my last option. I haven’t felt this suddenly suicidal in a long time. It scares me most how sudden I can feel this way.
Right now, I can see how illogical my feelings were this morning, and I now just feel low. Low because I felt alone in how I felt, and had no one to support me when I needed them. I don’t find talking over text helpful,it just makes me focus on my phone thus makes me anxious. It makes me feel incredibly guilty and like a burden when I am suicidal, which I guess highlights the fact.
I want to be able to live with a life without these sudden intrusive thoughts to end my life. I can’t imagine that ever happening. I’m afraid of being impulsive. I’m doing so well, why does this have to happen?
Today is my first right off day in a long time, I just laid in bed and cried. (I don’t usually allow myself to get into bed until 7pm to ensure I am productive and its become a good habit.)
I feel low. It’s temporary.