Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.
This is an odd thing for me to write about as I never thought I would struggle with this. My mental health is rather hidden in my life, not many people know about it. A few months ago I wrote about my experience with online CBT. I spoke to a licensed therapist 5 days a week, for nearly 30 weeks. I struggled to be open at first, but after a few weeks I began to see the benefits and really engaged.
I had CBT for 6 months with the same therapist. The first therapist I saw said my needs were too complex, which put me off seeking help. I did not work with him, but decided to give it one more chance. I then met the therapist I worked with, we connected well and I felt he was a good match for my needs. We intended to do CBT for 12 months together, and then take things from there. After 6 months, he opened his own private practice in the states, so would not be able to work with me anymore.
I was devastated, the 6 months of therapy had really began to help me. I was frightened to suddenly stop, and not progress further. I felt I was leaving therapy with only half of the tools I needed.
I had the option to carry on therapy with another therapist but felt like this would be a step back, especially as it would take me a few months to get comfortable.(Also therapy is very expensive, and as a young adult feel the extra cost wasn’t the right time) I decided to leave all therapy and try to use the skills I had started working through. It has been beneficial, but feel I need to work through a few more things with a professional. I am coping well, and feel now is not the time.
When I am struggling, I often think I would know how to cope with the situation if my therapist didn’t leave me. I yearn for the professional advise that was personalized to me. I balanced my irrational thoughts with the sane thoughts we spoke of, and when I experience intrusive thoughts I miss his rationale. I feel embarrassed that I miss my therapist, its only from a professional relationship. I guess its normal to miss that safety.
Which bring us go now! I am currently medicine and therapy free, and thriving! It’s been 4 months since ‘my therapist left me’ and I have grown so much! I am thankful of the skills I learnt in CBT, but am able to acknowledge there is still more work to be done in the future. I have no immediate plans, but am confident in keeping myself safe. I still experience intrusive thoughts of suicide but can mostly work through them with the help of my partner.