It’s odd for me to be writing when I feel this way, I usually talk about my struggles only once I am through them.
I’m on day 3, the third day I have woken up and thought only of suicide. I have found it very difficult to motivate and focus my attention on anything else. I even thought of walking straight to the hospital as I felt I couldn’t control these thoughts on my own. I have such a huge fear of the health care system knowing of my mental health that I avoid it at all costs, despite probably needing the health. I have an intense fear of being hospitalized.
I’m used to having intense intrusive thoughts, they never usually last more than a few hours so I can normally reassure myself that it is only temporary, I find this hugely comforting. Which is why I feel so stuck, it’s been 3 days, it’s gone so incredibly slow, and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope. I don’t want to end my life, but its so hard to believe that when your brain is constantly telling you otherwise. What shall I do?
I haven’t been able to study, it feels pointless working when your brain tells you that you won’t be alive to use your degree anyway. On the other hand, I’m worried that my 95% average is going to drop significantly.
I’m not in a good place, I’m not sure what to do. I hope this is temporary.