It’s odd for me to be writing when I feel this way, I usually talk about my struggles only once I am through them.

I’m on day 3, the third day I have woken up and thought only of suicide. I have found it very difficult to motivate and focus my attention on anything else. I even thought of walking straight to the hospital as I felt I couldn’t control these thoughts on my own. I have such a huge fear of the health care system knowing of my mental health that I avoid it at all costs, despite probably needing the health. I have an intense fear of being hospitalized.

I’m used to having intense intrusive thoughts, they never usually last more than a few hours so I can normally reassure myself that it is only temporary, I find this hugely comforting. Which is why I feel so stuck, it’s been 3 days, it’s gone so incredibly slow, and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope. I don’t want to end my life, but its so hard to believe that when your brain is constantly telling you otherwise. What shall I do?

I haven’t been able to study, it feels pointless working when your brain tells you that you won’t be alive to use your degree anyway. On the other hand, I’m worried that my 95% average is going to drop significantly.

I’m not in a good place, I’m not sure what to do. I hope this is temporary.

15 thoughts on “Am I in a crisis?

  1. Sounds like a really tough spot to be in. Personally, I’m wishing you would reconnect with that therapist, or another one. And first things first. I’d say your mental state is more important than your standing in school.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is temporary. If you feel things are really getting out of control, the best is to talk to your closest friends, or if worse comes to worst, consult with specialist. I found myself in the same hole about a year ago and I was as confused as you are. I just tried my best to hang on, and thankfully, I did.

    So keep on hanging in there buddy. Everything’s going to get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry you are feeling this, like truly. I’ve been there. But I always get out of it eventually, thinking of how glad I was I didn’t end things and that I put my hope in that the bad would be temporary. Reach out to someone who can keep you accountable, keep an eye on you or in activity (depending on how bad you’re feeling) please

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You are never alone, ever. You have the support of all the people who enjoy reading your blog, and I’m sure your loved ones would be by your side if they knew how you were feeling. It’s perfectly natural to feel consumed by your studies and to feel this way in dark times.
    Sounds like you need to do something different to remind yourself of how beautiful life really is. Why not download a podcast and go for a walk, no real route or destination in mind, and allow yourself the time to break from the norm x

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s