This isn’t really an advise post as I am struggling SO much with this currently, and have been for a few months, around 2 years. Firstly, I am not alone, I have a partner who I have been with for 6 years and now live together, he is my best friend. He has lots of friends, thus kind of making them my friends. I only see them when he is there too, they are mostly guys and are only my friends because of him. I feel it’s important to have separate friends.

I have no friends of my own. I have no contacts in my phone, I don’t message anyone, I do not have social media either. (I may make a separate post on why I don’t have/use social media). I often wish I could have someone to text with, as I don’t want to take all my thoughts to my partner. I also want to go out/ do activities without my boyfriend. I do phone my grandparents weekly!

They say it’ll come when you least expect it, it’s been a few years, but I am still hoping this is the case haha. Loneliness is something I feel regularly, but not all the time. I can’t phantom how on earth to describe what feeling lonely feels like… But it’s definitely one of the lowest emotions.

I do my degree online, so do not have the chance to meet students studying the same as I. I work part time too and get along well with my colleagues, but don’t see/message them at all outside of work. They often meet up, but I haven’t yet been invited. Although I feel we get on well, my brain wants me to believe they are purposely leaving me out as they all dislike me…

I grew up with a very close best friend, from around 2 years old, to teenagers. We naturally grew apart towards the end of high school, as she drifted into another friendship group. We still hear from each other every few months and catch up on each others family, but I haven’t seen her in about 3 years. We spoke about meeting for coffee for a huge catch up, but we now live in different cities, so hasn’t worked out yet. I do miss her, A LOT! I’m not sure she feels the same, as I have such fond memories.

I’m not sure how to change this situation/where to meet new people who genuinely want to make a real connection. I don’t want new acquaintances, I want a connection, a real genuine connection. Do I have too high of an expectation?

20 thoughts on “How do I find real connections?/loneliness

  1. I can totally appreciate what you are saying here. My friends are my boyfriends friends, and I always considered them to be his friends alone. But the last 6 months I have opened myself more to a select couple of those friends, messaged them to arrange plans instead of my boyfriend doing it, told them more about myself, inquired about them, and what their interests are and spent time with them even when my boyfriend doesn’t want to go out. I go out with them on my own now. My boyfriend is supportive of this, I wouldn’t have considered it if he was unhappy. The friends I have are mainly men, but I think it works if you have trust, and thankfully my other half has faith in me as well as his friends. The lack of social media is difficult for me to envisage as I use it a lot to try and be less isolated from the world. I’m sure your reasons are solid though so I understand that. I think putting yourself out there is a frightening thing to do, it terrified me at first being out without my boyfriend. But after a while it just feels quite natural.
    I hope everything comes good for you. X

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment! It looks like we were in a similar situation. I too think my boyfriend would be happy if I were to go out with them, without him being there. They are a couple of years older than I, all male and all work in the same field (completely different to mine) so I think I would feel a bit out of place. But it is a possibility, and I won’t know unless I try right? Thank you.x

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  2. Why don’t you participate in some sort or activity that includes people, like sorts activities or city gardening projects or some such thing. Get to meet people, make friends – it takes time you know, and it gets more difficult with age so you better get moving.

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  3. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want a connection. I guess because I’m an introvert, it doesn’t bother me as much. It’s funny, because… Most of my connections with people are atually here on WP. I consider everyone here close friends.
    I would take your own advice, and look up your friend from school online, and try to rehatch the friendship. It couldn’t hurt.

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    1. I think I am introverted too, I NEED alone time to thrive! I just need a break from myself sometimes haha. I’ve found it quite hard to make continuous friendship through word-press so far. Thank you for your comment!

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  4. Your thoughts are so sad and so relatable. I think it’s important to have friends separate from your partner. After all… who can you bitch about him to? 😀

    I can’t help but wonder, are you truly happy in your relationship? It’s natural to narrow your social sphere when in a relationship… but it sounds like you’ve given up on your friendships for the sake of his. I don’t mean to be critical or rude, but I’ve been in the same situation in the past x

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment! Hahah, I was going to try write…
      That’s a very fair assumption, but the reason I lost my previous friendships is because school held us together, and once we all left we all drifted, now I have moved cities. I am very happy in my relationship, and would truly be alone if it wasn’t for him x

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  5. I’m not sure I have helpful words, just support! It’s definitely harder to make real connections as an adult. Regarding your coworkers, maybe start by asking someone to lunch one day? And then repeat with others too. If you want to be included socially, you might have to make the first move to show interest — perhaps they just assume you’d rather not? Good luck! I’ve had my bouts of loneliness too where I’ve felt I have no one other than my husband to talk to.

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  6. No I don’t think you have high expectations. I lost a lot of friends through being sick. They just didn’t understand and got tired of me cancelling plans, not that I can blame them. I now have very few friends but I love them. It’s not easy meeting new people so I totally understand.

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  7. First of all, I love reading your posts because I feel like I can relate to many of them on some level, especially this one. I’m so glad that you followed me. I think I followed you back? Did it work?

    I’m on social media and have 3-4 friends that I talk to daily. Despite that, though, I still feel lonely because I never see them. Most of the time I feel like my husband is the only real friend I have because he’s the one that is always here and he’s the only one that I actually do things with. It makes it even worse being home by myself almost everyday. Sometimes I just wish that I had girlfriends to run around with and do things with…like getting our nails done, grocery shopping, going out and having a drink…hell, even someone to just come over to the house to watch TV and gossip about our husbands.

    Honestly, that’s one thing I hate about social media, though…seeing everyone else out having fun, posting pictures, and here I am sitting on my phone envying them. It sucks. It’s a vicious cycle for me — wanting to have friends, but not ever wanting to leave the house at the same time.

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment! You’re welcome for the follow, and I did see your now following too. This comment means a lot, I haven’t found anyone else who feels exactly the same, especially seeing others with friends. Be appreciative of the daily online friends whom you are in contact with! I hope things improve for you, you seem lovely! Thank you again.

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  8. I know this feeling! I have struggled with this a lot over the past year. I recently moved into my mom’s house with my baby sister (25 yo), and it has made me realize a few things. Although I was lonely living in another state, by myself, I prefer to live alone as it energizes me completely (thanks to being an introvert!). While I was living alone I struggled to find connection with people. I make art, and after going to a few art shows, I got to know a few other artists that had become friends. Do you have any hobbies like that, where you can go out and meet people that have a common interest? A fitness group? A volunteer group? A big part of it is bravery, going outside of your comfort zone, and taking a chance. Hope you have had some luck with this since you posted this!

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    1. Thank you for sharing this, I too am an introvert. I like a few sports, reading ect but can’t find any groups local to me. I agree with you, it definitely takes a step out of your comfort zone if you want a change! Thank you so much, you too!

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