This is more a little rant than it is a useful/advice filled piece of writing. If you have read any of my previous posts on mental health, you would know I mainly struggle with suicidal ideation. I’m going to write this post in 2 halves. One half in the person who feels suicidal, and the other half the logical side of my brain. Just to clarify, this is just the opposing thoughts I think, I do not have a personality related mental illness .(such as DID, Borderline or schizophrenia). Here are a few scenarios that happen often:

  1. The most frequent intrusive thought I get is that I am worthless; no one needs me in their life, and I don’t deserve to be alive just for myself:
  • Logical side- I have a partner who loves me very much, we have been together over a quarter of my life which suggests he wants&needs me in his life. We have our own apartment together, I can call it home, and its perfect.
  • Suicidal side- I have no friends of my own. If I ended my life now, at least no friends would be upset/destroyed by my death. My partner has lot’s of friends and enjoys many activities, so he would be able to distract himself/ move on. He also wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with my mental health=less stress for him.

2. Wanting to eat snacks and food I enjoy despite its nutritional value & the price it costs:

  • logical side- Food is more than just fuel, it should be enjoyed. It also has convenience to it, I can enjoy a take out after a busy day at work despite the cost, I enjoy the taste! (who doesn’t love pizza). Health food can be expensive, I am allowed to spend money of food that will provide me micro-nutrients as it will benefit both my body and mind, it’s okay that it costs a little more, the benefits out way that, it is not selfish to spend money on my health.
  • Suicidal side- Why would I find enjoyment in food if I want to end my life? I love coffee, but I don’t deserve to drink it as it costs money that I don’t deserve to spend on myself. You’re fat and disgusting if you let yourself eat food that isn’t a whole food, you need to starve to have some self control. I plan to end my life anyway, why not have a binge?

I haven’t wrote a post like this before, as I thought it would be annoying to read. I am constantly in two sites of mind, as I’m sure most people are too. It’s just a little hard that my only other option seems like suicide to me. I found this post useful, to write in a clear list the different thoughts, so may make more posts like this in the future. I feel it is beneficial to think positive opposing thoughts to the negative ones, even if you don’t yet believe them. I am well enough to ensure I am in a position that I will not end my life, so please do not be concerned!

20 thoughts on “The second voice in your head?

  1. It’s hard when you have different voices in your head. Harder to explain them to medical professionals. I tried once, and the intern was almost giddy over the thought that he’d discovered someone with multiple personalities. Ideation is hard and tiring. I liked this, showing the conversations that you have with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello, Dear. I found your entry to be so similar to how I use to think when I was going through suicide ideation. Weighing all the questions in my head. It’s a good thing that you are part of the mental health community here on WP. There are several people who have been in your shoes and can help. This first step is what you have done. You wrote out the logical and illogical thoughts.
    Count your blessing for such a great, supportive partner in your life. That was one of the things I was lacking when I was going through what I had. Heck, I was engaged, and he couldn’t handle me. He, therefore, kicked me out and I was left homeless during my suicidal ideation.
    Hang in there, and allow yourself to feel all that you are feeling. We are all here for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right, I am glad I am now part of this community here, as I have found it very supportive. I’m sorry to hear of your situation, you sound so brave, and should be so proud of where you are now! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to! Thank you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can really relate to this post. I think a lot of time with my depression/anxiety it feels easier to believe the nonsense rather than sit down and rationalize the truth.
    The food part of this is something I can relate to as well. I have such a hard time rationalizing my thoughts about food and also my unhealthy eating habits. Instead of realizing that I need to work on eating smarter and healthier plus add some sort of work out plan, my brain tells me I need food to live so I might as well eat what I want. It sucks because my weight obviously doesn’t make me feel good and these unhealthy habits don’t add anything positive.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me or email me. I believe I have it somewhere on my blog. Don’t ever think you are alone! We all have our issues, voicing them is a great way to address them and see what areas we need to work on. So proud of you for writing this!

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  4. Writing stuff down helps. A lot. And I’m sure that the logical, rational side of you could see how illogical the illogical side was being, the naughty thing! I totally understand and have to regularly have discussions inside my head to make the rational side be stronger and more persistent. Also I have to tell myself not to overthink and stop what they tell me is ‘ruminating’. Ruminating is the killer for me but I think I’ve got it sorted now. I’m sending you masses of hugs and a smacker of a kiss for being so brave to write it all down. Loads of us have been there so we do understand. Katie xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. If it’s any consolation, I promise you that we’re all the same!! It’s so hard, but you’re clearly a smart cookie and thankfully you’re able to see it for what it truly is. I’m so glad to have ‘met’ you – Have a lovely weekend. Katie xx

        Liked by 1 person

  5. So so relatable. I have this thing inside my head that speaks things like this. It got better when i realised this and tried to take control. And in the past, it made me take suicidal attempts, twice. But now I recognize this and shut them out

    Liked by 1 person

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