This is more a little rant than it is a useful/advice filled piece of writing. If you have read any of my previous posts on mental health, you would know I mainly struggle with suicidal ideation. I’m going to write this post in 2 halves. One half in the person who feels suicidal, and the other half the logical side of my brain. Just to clarify, this is just the opposing thoughts I think, I do not have a personality related mental illness .(such as DID, Borderline or schizophrenia). Here are a few scenarios that happen often:
- The most frequent intrusive thought I get is that I am worthless; no one needs me in their life, and I don’t deserve to be alive just for myself:
- Logical side- I have a partner who loves me very much, we have been together over a quarter of my life which suggests he wants&needs me in his life. We have our own apartment together, I can call it home, and its perfect.
- Suicidal side- I have no friends of my own. If I ended my life now, at least no friends would be upset/destroyed by my death. My partner has lot’s of friends and enjoys many activities, so he would be able to distract himself/ move on. He also wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with my mental health=less stress for him.
2. Wanting to eat snacks and food I enjoy despite its nutritional value & the price it costs:
- logical side- Food is more than just fuel, it should be enjoyed. It also has convenience to it, I can enjoy a take out after a busy day at work despite the cost, I enjoy the taste! (who doesn’t love pizza). Health food can be expensive, I am allowed to spend money of food that will provide me micro-nutrients as it will benefit both my body and mind, it’s okay that it costs a little more, the benefits out way that, it is not selfish to spend money on my health.
- Suicidal side- Why would I find enjoyment in food if I want to end my life? I love coffee, but I don’t deserve to drink it as it costs money that I don’t deserve to spend on myself. You’re fat and disgusting if you let yourself eat food that isn’t a whole food, you need to starve to have some self control. I plan to end my life anyway, why not have a binge?
I haven’t wrote a post like this before, as I thought it would be annoying to read. I am constantly in two sites of mind, as I’m sure most people are too. It’s just a little hard that my only other option seems like suicide to me. I found this post useful, to write in a clear list the different thoughts, so may make more posts like this in the future. I feel it is beneficial to think positive opposing thoughts to the negative ones, even if you don’t yet believe them. I am well enough to ensure I am in a position that I will not end my life, so please do not be concerned!