This is difficult to describe what I am trying to say, so my point of view may not necessarily reflect what I am wanting to explain. I have stopped putting TriggerWarnings on my posts, do you think I should still include one, especially for content on suicide?
I experience intrusive thoughts of ending my life. I am not depressed, and genuinely want to live but the intrusive thoughts can sometimes be so overpowering that they convince me this is my only option. This is difficult to explain to someone that I have having intense thoughts of ending my life,but I don’t want to? I get very overwhelmed. Does this mean I am a danger to myself? I logically know I do not want to die, but sharing I am feeling this way may suggest otherwise.
I have thought of suicide. I have a plan, ‘just in case’. I need this plan to feel secure, my worst fear is having no escape. I will never share my plan, just in case I need it. Although I do NOT plan on using it. I used to have a pile of individual letters to loved ones, in case I was spontaneous and desperate, and didn’t have the time to write. I shredded all these, and don’t plan to do this again.
I now understand that these intense thoughts are intrusive and not my own. I need to work through these thoughts properly someday. But for now,I always ensure I am in a safe place, and inform my partner if won’t affect what they are doing. I usually can carry on with most everyday tasks when I get these intrusive thoughts now, as distraction is key for me! I used to be completely overwhelmed by these thoughts, and couldn’t even talk.
I can’t imagine a future where suicide isn’t an option for me, I just hope I can learn to cope better with these thoughts. Should I be hopeful of a life without these thoughts?
These thoughts do affect my life still. For example; I haven’t learnt to drive, as I never trusted myself to be behind a wheel, in case they occurred and I were to act compulsively. I’m unsure if I would ever behave that way, but I am too afraid to risk it. I don’t plan on getting a driving licence. I now plan to live in a city long term, so having a car isn’t a likely option anyway.
I am not my thoughts. I want to be alive. I don’t know this post went in the direction I intended. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out! If you need someone to talk to my email address is on my contact page. Comments are welcome. I am open to answering any questions, my blog is anonymous. (will be writing a post on this topic soon)