This is difficult to describe what I am trying to say, so my point of view may not necessarily reflect what I am wanting to explain. I have stopped putting TriggerWarnings on my posts, do you think I should still include one, especially for content on suicide?

I experience intrusive thoughts of ending my life. I am not depressed, and genuinely want to live but the intrusive thoughts can sometimes be so overpowering that they convince me this is my only option. This is difficult to explain to someone that I have having intense thoughts of ending my life,but I don’t want to? I get very overwhelmed. Does this mean I am a danger to myself? I logically know I do not want to die, but sharing I am feeling this way may suggest otherwise.

I have thought of suicide. I have a plan, ‘just in case’. I need this plan to feel secure, my worst fear is having no escape. I will never share my plan, just in case I need it. Although I do NOT plan on using it. I used to have a pile of individual letters to loved ones, in case I was spontaneous and desperate, and didn’t have the time to write. I shredded all these, and don’t plan to do this again.

I now understand that these intense thoughts are intrusive and not my own. I need to work through these thoughts properly someday. But for now,I always ensure I am in a safe place, and inform my partner if won’t affect what they are doing. I usually can carry on with most everyday tasks when I get these intrusive thoughts now, as distraction is key for me! I used to be completely overwhelmed by these thoughts, and couldn’t even talk.

I can’t imagine a future where suicide isn’t an option for me, I just hope I can learn to cope better with these thoughts. Should I be hopeful of a life without these thoughts?

These thoughts do affect my life still. For example; I haven’t learnt to drive, as I never trusted myself to be behind a wheel, in case they occurred and I were to act compulsively. I’m unsure if I would ever behave that way, but I am too afraid to risk it. I don’t plan on getting a driving licence. I now plan to live in a city long term, so having a car isn’t a likely option anyway.

I am not my thoughts. I want to be alive. I don’t know this post went in the direction I intended. If you are feeling suicidal, please reach out! If you need someone to talk to my email address is on my contact page. Comments are welcome. I am open to answering any questions, my blog is anonymous. (will be writing a post on this topic soon)

13 thoughts on “Suicidal thoughts do not mean I want to end my life?

  1. Honestly? If you were going to write an open suicide letter to all of us, yes, I would be concerned! However, most of us suffering from mental illness, can definitely relate to what you were writing…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The things I write in my blog, are exactly how I’m feeling at the time, and situation! I’m not going to feel bad for putting out my raw writing because it may Trigger someone. Too bad, they don’t have to read it! 😏

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think your title provides enough of a trigger warning without needing to say anything. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us all!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Having suicidal thought doesn’t necessarily imply physical death. Perhaps there are parts of you that you want to die, the darker sides that is. You want to be reborn. We all do.

    P.S. I experience the same intrusive thoughts as well. It is brave of you to put what you experience in words. It gives insight to everyone. 🙂 But hey, I know you are doing well. Just hang in there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re right! A therapist once told me a similar thing and I was like YES haha.
      Thank you so much for your comment, Email me if you want to talk. It’s nice knowing we aren’t the only ones experience something.<3

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Ohhh, the never learned to drive on purpose really hit close to home. Everything you’re going through is awful, but you’re really good at explaining it! *Some of the time* intrusive suicidal thoughts seemed to be a coping mechanism for me, instead of «you can just run away» from a bad situation, when things in my head or body is getting too bad it’s exchange for «you can just … die??» suggestion in many other creative moments and ways. I’m feeling so much better right now and hope you get to that point soon as well <33

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didn’t think I portrayed my feelings well, so your comment of explaining made me feel good, thank you! I read once that having these thoughts of wanting to leave/die is just a way of our minds wanting to get rid of a tiny part of us, not our actual self. If that makes sense? So glad you are doing better, well done! Thank you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

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