This is an odd concept to me and never thought I would publicly be writing about this online but here I am. (Heck, I never thought I would ever talk about my mental health on any platform)
I suffer with mental illness, that is not unknown on my blog, it often changes from severe to mild, but even in my severe stages I have mostly been able to carry on with day to day life. Despite often feeling suicidal, I am still studying a degree, and also working part time. As I am able to do these things, does that make my illness less severe, not even a problem? or is this what high functioning means; has a moderate mental illness but can still function in day2day life?
It is common for those who often feel intense suicidal thoughts/or self harm to have been hospitalized/ gone to the emergency department / inpatient or even sectioned. I have never experienced any of these as I refuse to ,I simply do not want anyone to know. I have survived all this time so I must be ok? Does this make my mental health invalid?
Just to clarify, I haven’t self harmed/ cut myself in 5 years, that is a long time! And I shall never do so again. This is no longer a risk for me. I do still get intense intrusive thoughts of ending my life, and so far have not acted on them/plan to. This doesn’t mean I do not struggle with suicidal ideation. I still have to work immensely hard to get through them and is often the time when I think; do I need support? My biggest comfort is knowing that these thoughts are only temporary.
I am in a well enough place to know my thoughts/illness are illogical, and it’s more of a 2 sided argument. The logical and illogical parts of my brain arguing.
Suicidal intrusive thoughts can be deliberating, and they were for me. But now I am mostly able to carry on with life at the same time as they occur. I had to leave my education when I was a teen to focus on my mental health. Now education is the opposite for me. It’s a distraction and I really enjoy it. My part time job is also a good distraction without too much stress, once I leave a day of work, I don’t have to bring it home with me, which is currently a really good area for me to be in as I’m also doing a degree.
Am I high functioning?
I’m trying to just write my blogs as they spill out of my brain, not reading through/correcting/changing. Just writing authentically. I’m not sure if this is a good idea, or to stick to structured/ to the point posts?