This post is a little difficult for me to write about. Not because I find it hard talking about this subject, but because I no longer resonate with this part of my life; I simply can’t remember ever being in the mindset to harm myself.

TW! As from the title, you can probably tell there is going to be a trigger warning on this post for self harm, especially in the form of cutting, as I shall be mentioning specifics.

A little background; I began self harming around the age of 14. It was a very private part of my life, not a single person knew about it. I thrived of of having this dirty little secret. (looking back, I didn’t see how bad this was at the time) I wore only long sleeves; never took my jumper of at school. I would cut my left arm, and both of my thighs. I would take the blades out of shaving razors and use those. I would never use old ones/ reuse them as I didn’t want to risk infection and thus someone finding out from treatment or stitches.

I would sometimes spray hairspray into the fresh wounds to feel the sharp burning sensation; make it sting more. (my reaction now is what the fuck) I have scars now, it’s been 5 years, and they have improved. They are now thinner, and white in color, no longer red/pink or stick out lots. As I have very pale skin, they aren’t too noticeable from afar. I never wear shorts/have my legs out, but I do wear short sleeve tops now.

I’m not sure if other people notice? I wear a watch on my left wrist, where a lot of the scars are, but they are faint in color now, so I’m unsure if people look/ take that much notice in other people to see them. But I’m not sure, no one has ever mentioned them. I do wear short sleeves at my part time job, I haven’t told them about my mental health, so not sure if they aspect the scars to be from self harm? I’m not sure if the average non mental health educated person would understand/know the signs of self harm?

What do I think of my scars? This differs for me, sometimes I despise them, knowing that they will never disappear from my body, and hate myself for putting that upon myself. I didn’t think at the time how self harming would affect my future. But most of the time I accept them, I don’t often think about them, and thus no longer affects my life.

I’m not exactly sure why I self harmed. Is this normal not to have a ‘reason’? I have blocked/can’t remember this period of my life. I remember feeling numb, so it could have been a way to ‘feel’? I have had intrusive thoughts for around a decade now. They often tell me to end my life (I have many previous posts on my suicidal ideation) so maybe at the time I had intrusive thoughts to harm myself? I’m really not sure, but I guess I will find out in the future? This is probably something I should figure out in therapy, but I don’t think I am in the right stage on my life to begin therapy.

I’ve spoken about how I self harmed, what my self harm scars look like now , how I feel about them and the reasons why I harmed myself. Is there any points I have missed out/anything you would like to know about? I thoroughly enjoy reading comments on my posts. I was going to apologize for the negative posts, but I guess it isn’t, as I haven’t harmed myself in 5 years, that’s and achievement!

19 thoughts on “I haven’t self harmed in 5 years?

  1. I have to reach out to you on this issue. I never have cut myself but when I was in High School I was diagnosis with anorexia. I did knew why I stopped eating and exercising way too much. I was not incontrol of many things going on in my family. My dad sexually abused me and my sister. My mother ran from him to a mental hospital only to leave us more in his graps. He was a police officer and well thought of in the community. Never did I once think about telling anyone. But back to my eating habits, that was the one thing I had control of. No one could make me eat and the exercise made me feel good inside. I do not know if you know God and have asked Jesus to come into your life but I much encourage you. I will not tell you my problems went away but I always felt safe because when I prayed it never failed someone reach out to me and encouraged me. I also have learned that because of my trails I can help or be there for others also. This world is a hard place and so demanding but we all can find peace in Jesus. I do not know you but please know I care. If you ever need a shoulder or a listening ear uvicky2003@yahoo.com

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  2. I know this must have been difficult to write about, but I’m very thankful that you did. I wish I had the courage you did to write about your experience with self-harm – I’m not there yet personally. Its been three years but I still think about it every day – now that you’re at five years, does that feeling ever go away? Hope this question isn’t too triggering for you – you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to! Thank you again for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment. I am glad you have asked a question, as I feel like I can give a confident answer. Yes, the feeling does go away. I never ever thought there would ever be a time where I wouldn’t think about it, but somehow I am there now! I think time is what made it go away for me, a long time, maybe 4 years? You can email me if you have any other questions! Thank you, and I hope you are well Nathan!

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  3. Congratulations for doing so very well that you can tell the story. I pray that you continue to find your way forward, and I think that you must be very brave to have made it 5 years. That is an amazing accomplishment! I hope you keep on feeling better and more sure of yourself as someone who doesn’t have to feel pain to feel. I hope that your story brings light to anyone else who might struggle in this way. Wishing you hope and a future!

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  4. Thanks for the blog.

    I am on the other side of self harming; a family member has self harmed and had a long period of abstinence but recently harmed herself.

    I have learnt that understanding the cause or situation helps put a reason to it but not how that is converted into the action of self harm. I have not got the knowledge, understanding or skills to be able to say anything that would help so all I can do is listen and help the โ€˜Nowโ€™.

    I do feel inadequate as we talk about lots of things in life and everything, and it is one of those things that would be a bridge to far to cross now until we both understand more.

    Thanks again for being courageous to share your history.

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    1. I often wonder what it is like being on the other side of self harm. It must be difficult to understand, but you seem like you are doing great! Listening is one of the best ways to be there for someone! I hope your family member is well. Thank you for your comment!

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  5. Congratulations on your 5 years! As a person who is currently dealing with this horrible coping mechanism, I do feel very happy for you! I too started when I was 14 but canโ€™t seem to let go of it yet. Itโ€™s always been my safety net and I can only hope that with constant therapy I will be able to be free from it.

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