This is another odd post for me to write about, as I never thought this day would occur anywhere in the near future. This week has been odd.
I hadn’t been having a ‘bad’ week as such. If you read my last post you would know that I have been alone for a few days, which is a difficulty for me. I wrote about how well I was doing at the time, which I was. That wasn’t a lie. Ironically enough, that changed the next day.
I woke up with intense suicidal thoughts. I went to work at my part time job as usual, and thought the distraction would be good for me. I enjoy working, and it gives a good mental distraction. This day, the distraction didn’t come. I could not think about anything else but my thoughts, and this was making it extremely difficult to concentrate. My co-workers noticed this, and repetively asked if I was okay.
As my job does not know about my mental health, I put on a facade and tried to act normal. I couldn’t. My thoughts were too loud. I went outside and tried to compose myself. My colleague followed, and I broke down and told them how I was feeling. I genuinely cannot believe I spoke aloud to someone how I was feeling.
They were very supportive, and tried to challenge my rationale. They did not want to send me home on my own, so I stayed at work, with the support that I could take a step out whenever I needed. I am glad they made me stay. I guess I can recognise it’s best not to be left alone when feeling this way.
I am always comforted by telling myself that these thoughts are temporary and will soon pass. A few hours into my shift, and I was feeling a little better, and reassuring my management I would be safe, I went home.
My manager, as well as the colleague who supported me, both messaged me that evening, making sure I was feeling okay, and reassuring me that they were always there If I ever needed anyone. This made me feeling eternally grateful! And less embarrassed about them knowing about my brain. Every day since this incident, my manager has messaged to check up on me, which makes me feel very supported.
I can’t believe I am okay that others now know about my mental health… But as they said you should never try and cope alone, and that there is always someone who will be there for you. Considering my recent loneliness, this is so lovely to hear. It has come to me, that maybe my brain is wrong, and that I am not worthless and alone, thus would not be best to leave the world.
I am proud of myself for opening up, as it was extremely difficult, and I have been silent about my suicidal thoughts since they began. I am SO grateful for the support I have received, and cannot in words, express how appreciative I am.
I am still trying to reassure myself that it is okay that others know. I will return to work in a couple of days, and seeing them since the incident will be a hurdle… but I’m sure I can jump! I’ll be okay.