Receiving help is so damn difficult?

You probably think this post is going to be able how hard it is to find help. It’s not. We all know how expensive therapy; is hundreds of $$$ a month… Finding a professional that suits your needs, and one you feel comfortable with. Or experimenting with medication for mental health is time consuming. Or even finding the time off from work, college or life to commit to focusing on your support. These are not why it is difficult for me. (Yet anyway)

Firstly, if you have read my post ‘My fear of medication for mental health’, you will know that medication has and is still not an option for me. So that hurdle is out of the window for the time being.

Time? I am a college student online getting a degree, and maybe PhD in the future, and I also work part time in a store, that I enjoy. My job is very flexible with hours and shifts, so I could also work around it if I were to receive weekly support. As I am an online student, I can choose my hours of study, as and when I have the time. I still have deadlines, but the majority of the workload you can do at your own pace.

Financially, well no one wants to spends $$$ of their monthly paycheck on therapy do they? Especially in my circumstance, as I completely shut down. I tried one to one therapy outside of a hospital/clinic earlier in the year. It was not successful, in the fact I could not talk… I don’t have the income to pay this amount of money if I can’t see an improvement or benefit. It was also so mentally exhausting.

My last mental health related post was my talking of my colleagues knowing of my mental health. My manager has been amazing, and even gave me a link to a free charity for support, provided by the company. I think/thought this was my opportunity to get the help I need.

I put on my brave pants, and gave the charity an email ,explaining how I got in contact with them, and a very brief outline of what I am struggling with. They emailed back the same day, and gave me a number to call. I was expecting correspondence through email, so the thoughts of a call stressed me out quite a lot. I am not good with phone calls.

It took me 3 days to have the courage to dial the number. I lasted nearly 2 minutes on the phone before having to hang up. They called me back straight away but I could not answer. I feel stupid in myself. Why can’t I cope with the help and want I need?

I am trying SO hard. Why is it so impossible hard to do something I need? I want to get better, I really do.

This leaves me to the now. I am not sure what to do, other than keep trying I guess.


  1. Do you think maybe you don’t actually want to receive help? Maybe the thought of being cured, healthy, and living normally actually scares you. Maybe, in a weird way, depression and suicidal thoughts have become a comfort zone. You know what to expect. You know how to deal with it. They are your really annoying family members.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can emphasize in the cost of seeing a therapist + psychiatrist. That’s not even including the meds.
    I’m looking to see if I can find the combination of two in one peron to cut the cost down, and I also know that I have a great deal of homework to do.
    I’m like you in the aspect of having to talk on the phone. I hate the phone, plus I feel like I’m automatically going to be transfered right back to the mental health clinic I already see. Square one is not serving me anymore.
    Don’t beat yourself up over these challenges you face. You are certainly not alone.
    You’ve definitely have to keep trying, just like I do. There is an outcome and a source out there, we are the ones that need to find it.
    Good luck with all your efforts, and try and hang in there.
    God Bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Are there any support groups around you? I know where I am from there are support groups for lots of things and they are free. People also go there to support people with certain problems so you could go just to listen if you would rather not talk about yourself and it might help?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In an unrelated aside, I appreciate the talent you have in titling your blog and in creating a logo for it. Beautiful! One trick for getting yourself to do stuff you don’t want to do is find a good reward at the end. For example, I hate the shooter/fire/code red drills I had to do as a teacher, and stopped substitute teaching partly because they bugged me…but if I had made drill day a day to get through before going sexy bra shopping in the evening or something, i bet it would have been possible to turn my negative thoughts to positive…

    Liked by 1 person

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