Having a hard time after feeling great for months (Is this a relapse?)

It is not unknown on this blog that I suffer with my metal health, I have a dedicated section to solely talk about it. As this isn’t something I talk about in real life. I enjoy freely writing about how I am feeling and what I am struggling with, without anyone knowing who is typing these words. I find it comforting that I can talk without worrying people knowing its me.

I often write as and when I am struggling, as it is easier to come across in the correct way as you actively know how you are feeling. I find it harder to write once I am in a good place, as I can’t remember/don’t realise how bad it truly feels. Saying this, I like to reflect on events/ways I have I have felt in the past, to see the comparison on my mindset. Logical thinking compared to the illogical thoughts I had, and how that can change.

This post is written in a ‘in-between’. I have been in a great, a genuine great place for a few months now, which is wonderful. The past week this has changed a little. I’m not in a ‘bad’ place, but can recognise a dip in myself. I am experiencing more intrusive thoughts, that are starting to affect me again. For example, I had intrusive thoughts whilst in the bath tub that lot’s of little snakes would come through the overflow holes, which nearly resulted in a panic attack.

I have also noticed that I have having intrusive thoughts of suicide this week. This has been confusing as I do not want to die, and genuinely enjoy my life. Yet these thoughts are quite powerful, and it’s hard ignore and not feel this way. As of yet, I am still able to do everything, but it’s taking a little more mental energy. I have a busy couple of weeks coming up, so I hope this creates a distraction and doesn’t result in me becoming overwhelmed.

Therefore, here is me not in a bad place but also not doing great. That’s a wrap on my mini update!


  1. Hi! I love your posts and have become quite fond of reading them and hearing about you.

    I don’t know if this will help, but I believe intrusive thoughts (which we all have once in a while, but some have them in greater degree) can be handled when we view them as separate from ourselves. As in, a thought not coming from our own mind but from some outside force.

    When we objectify these thoughts, it is easier to separate them from ourselves and respond to them accordingly. If a stranger came up to me on the street and told me to kill myself, I’d tell him to fuck off. The same can be done with a strange thought that approaches me.

    There are several spiritual systems that view thoughts as just that: Not something we inherently create, but as actual *beings* that we can choose to engage with (or not). Thoughts as objects outside of ourselves, instead of self-created.

    Feel free to use this if it works for you or disregard it if it doesn’t! I think you are a beautiful person and that you are on a spiritual path, perhaps without knowing it. I also think there are dark forces that want to keep you down that manifest as these intrusive thoughts, but you are strong. You are not these thoughts.

    Much love always.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hello Anna, Thank you, that means a lot!
      I do try to think of these thoughts as not my own, but have never looked at it quite that way. I am open minded, and will give this a go for! Thank you for your suggestion and comment!
      Much love.

      Liked by 1 person

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