Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

I’m writing this blog post as I’m currently in the middle of experiencing suicidal ideation. I’m having intrusive thoughts of suicide. I don’t feel I can control them. It’s distorting my rationale. I’m not at risk to myself,I know I do not want to go.

It’s difficult hearing your brain tell you to leave. It’s difficult believing your true self that this isn’t what you want. Whom do I trust?

I’m safe.

Knowing I don’t want to die doesn’t reassure me. What if my brain takes over completely? I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I’ve felt this way many a times before. Only a few weeks ago I was in a similar situation yet here I am,having had a good month.

It’s confusing being happy and yet also suicidal.

Reassuring myself that this feeling is temporary. (Not because my life will end,but because the thoughts will calm). Such seriousness should not be met with my sarcasm.

I’ve got through 100% of my suicidal thoughts, statistical I’m great.

Tomorrow will be a new day, and I’ll no longer remember the intensity I am feeling right now.

I’ll be ok.

10 thoughts on “Is my journey over?

  1. I completely relate and can absolutely sympathize 100% with these thoughts bc I too have had them for YEARS sometimes on a daily basis, multiple times a day on the worst days. I also actually attempted suicide 8 yrs ago and found myself under a 10 psychiatric hold. It was my bottom and a moment of pure desperation. It really in truth saved me. That was the beginning of my mental, emotional and spiritual journey. Now adays, I meditate on a daily basis to put distance between my thoughts as I observe them in a passive way without taking hasty actions. Life these days is more about responding rather that reacting. I also highly recommend learning breathwork and yoga. I have been practicing both of those on an almost religious basis for 20 yrs.
    Basically, I can tell you from experience that all of this isn’t easy yet it is simple. Change can be challenging and our ego centered thinking doesn’t respond well to change at first. I must, MUST practice daily self care to even step out the door.
    It’s a blessing you have the courage to share your raw story. That is why I write! I use my emotions and my living as an empath (someone who reads the energy of others) as my muse. I am living with Complex PTSD.
    Life these days is much brighter than it was those 8 yrs ago. The suicidal ideation in my opinion will never go away completely. It’s a part of me. I grew up hearing my own mother threaten to take her own life daily too.
    Just know that this is a safe space to share your thoughts without judgement. This is such a supportive community. Take care of yourself. Please follow my blog too http://www.emotionalmusings.com on here🤗

    Like

  2. Please call 1-800-273-8255 this is the National Suicide Hotline. It is totally confidential and they will guide you to safety. You are totally worth saving your life. You are a blessing and your life matters. Be safe dear one! We need you!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally know the feeling. After several hospitalizations and finally safety at a treatment center, I can finally say I am safe and happy 🙂 your happiness matters. Put yourself first and get some downtime love 💗💗💗

        Liked by 1 person

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