I’ve had a little bit of a hiatus and this is mainly because I’m in the middle of a blip. I thought I was doing horrendous but as pointed out from my partner I’m managing well. Despite my current brain, I’ve somehow kept going. I’m still at work, I’m still meeting my degree deadlines. This in itself is showing me how far I’ve come.
Thoughts to self harm have returned. I know I’ll stay safe, it’s just a matter of rationalising and waiting for them to pass. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to, I’m just aware I shouldn’t. It’s mentally exhausting trying to get through them. I haven’t cut myself in over 5 years, and the majority of that time the thought to harm myself hasn’t been present, so it’s a little hard that they’ve returned after so long.
Worthlessness is playing a huge part in my life currently. I’m finding it difficult to see why I should carry on doing all the things I am. I don’t want to engage with anyone as I don’t want to be a burden. I want to go without it affecting anyone. I rationally know this isn’t possible. I don’t even want to leave. I love my partner so much that it’s worth staying alive just to spend time together. I don’t want to burden him. I feel incredibly guilty and worthless that he has to deal with me. He deserves the world.
I feel guilty about the space I’m taking up. I don’t know what I currently should do. I know this feeling will pass (I hope) it’s just a matter of getting through. I’m currently home alone for a few days, so this will be testing. I’m annoyed that I’m experiencing this now. I have so much to do, so much to live for. I want to be alive.
I’m okay. I will get through. Just struggling.