I’m Stuck in Quasi Recovery?

I’ve been very open about my mental health on this account. One of the reasons why I started my blog was to write anonymously and honestly about my mental health. Not only in the hope that it will help myself but on the slim chance in can also help someone else, even just making you feel less alone. I made this blog anonymous so I could literally talk about anything and everything, no matter how deep or personal. (If you do have any questions you’ve always wanted to know,but felt too intrusive, you can always comment or email me. I will answer anything!). I openly write when I am well, as well as very low.

I’ve reached a point in my journey, where I feel I’ve been for a good few months. I’m OK. I’ve reached a stage where I genuinely feel I want to be alive, now and for the future. Even when I am riddled with intrusive thoughts of suicide, I now have the thought in the back of my mind that suicide is not what I really want. This little voice in the back of my mind gives me the strength to realize these thoughts are temporary and irrational. This is HUGE for me, as for the past 5 years I genuinely believed suicide was my only option. I really needed support when I felt this way, as I believed my thoughts.

This revelation that I want to stay here is confusing. It hasn’t miraculously made the intrusive thoughts or low moods go away. Therefore, when I feel this way, I really have to work through them, which is very mentally draining. It has also given me a new anxiety for the future, as I now see the importance of my degree, and my part time job. These are understandable , as these are ‘normal’ life stressors. Despite this, I do not have the skills to cope with this.

I’m doing amazing in the sense I want to stay alive or rarely get thoughts of self harm anymore. I don’t have sick days at my part time work, I hand my assignments for my degree on time and get good grades. I sleep and eat well. (coffee and cake is life) I do and have planned so many fun activities. Yet I’m not ‘better’. Everyday is still a struggle for me, despite the appearance that I have my shit together. This is hard, so very hard. Am I going to burn out? Is it just stress that will naturally go away?

A niggling in my mind is telling me I need professional help to healthily work through all of these emotions. I haven’t been open about my suicidal thoughts or self harm when previously in therapy. My biggest fear in life is being sectioned, so find being in the presence of psychiatric professionals very uneasy, and lack trust to share these thoughts. Should I work through these whilst I’m in the best place I’ve been?

I’m overwhelmed and confused but I’m genuinely okay.

17 comments

  1. I feel you. I’ve had suicidal thoughts as well yet I’ve not talked about it in therapy. It kinda always scared me that if I do it will make it official and I’ve been scared of all the things that it might trigger. I’m not thinking about it anymore, but like you I still look like all is fine even though I feel like inside I’m slowly dying. Maybe professional help will help us. I don’t know. I’ve been there, took medication, felt better only to slowly come back to what it was. Hopefully one day we will feel different but one thing is for sure, suicide is not the answer.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re right, suicide is never the answer. I’m sorry you too have similar experience to myself, I’m always here if you need anyone. Help is always useful,it’s just really beneficial if you’re in the right mindset to be ready to be open and honest.hope you are well!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Personally, I think after reading this… You sound like you’re doing really well.
    Speaking from my own personal experience, I was feeling and doring eally well for a period of time a roughly 4-5 months ago. I was feeling so good, that I discussed it with my therapist to discontinue seeing her.
    (In my case, bad move).
    That great mood lasted for a month or two, but then it shifted in a downward spiral.
    Now, I have to wait for my appointment to see my therapist again. My meds have been tweaked to higher dosages but my depression hasn’t improved much.
    I have a lot of stuff happening with my mom right now, and I’m not handling this well at all.
    Again, this is speaking personally….
    You, know yourself better than anyone. You are doing great now and that’s fantastic, but have a backup plan in place if the bottom falls out. (if) it does at all.
    Take good care of yourself!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your bravery touched my heart strings. None of us know that you may have helped another person, by sharing your story. To me, you are on the road to a healthier lifestyle.

    Backup plans are good while we grow from our past. Letting go of those negative emotions is a job. One we tackle every day. I know cause I’ve been there. Depression is a nasty little bugger. (My take on this.)

    May your days be filled with Love and Light. Keep up the good work. And always take care of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This comment means the world, thank you Sarah!
      ‘Nasty little bugger’ is a great way to describe!
      It feels like a full time job, but the hard work will pay off in the future.
      Thank you again love, take care!!

      Like

  4. Hugs!
    I can understand how you must feel. Fear, panic, and anxiety were a huge part of my life for a long long time, and there were times I felt suicidal. Back then, sadly, I didn’t have a therapist I could share my thoughts with.
    I believe that if you are meeting with a therapist, and feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, then you must share these not-so-good thoughts, too. Your therapist could help you find a way out of it all. And, esp now that you feel better, it seems the right time to talk about times when you feel suicidal. That’s my personal opinion.

    In the meanwhile, keep working on yourself, your health, your studies, and your job. It will all help you keep occupied. Take care!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you SO much for your comment!
      I have to agree with you that now seems the best time to share my not-so-good thoughts with a professional, but my fear is so heightened that I find it difficult… I just need to get over this hurdle.
      I’m sorry you too have felt this way before, and hope you are in a better place now.

      Thank you, you too!!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You sound like you’re in such a good place. In my experience, the time to work on myself has always been when I’m feeling well. That way you’re not just throwing water on a crisis fire, you’re building fireproof walls to keep the risk of it happening again down. I will say, I have been sectioned but only when posing a legitimate risk to myself or others. I have NEVER been sectioned or even had hospital suggested for having suicidal ideation only, you’re not alone! Lot’s of people have it and a professional will never will understand this!

    All the best with your journey, I will be following it cheering you on!

    Like

  6. Glad you’re continuing onward despite the intrusive thoughts at times… Keep fighting and overcoming… Way to be a voice… Here to encourage and support… wwwsuicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

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