Living with Mental Illness long term/Mental Health Update

If you’ve been following my story you’ll know I’ve struggled with my mental health for quite a few years. I have had very low lows, but also had months of wellness. (TW on the whole of this post in relation to suicide and self harm). Since the beginning I been through multiple forms of therapy but still am yet to have a diagnosis. (I’ve avoided being in this situation). I still struggle with suicidal thoughts but have not self harmed in over 5 years.

For the past 10 months I have been the healthiest I have been since my teen years. I am not on any medication, I have my own house, I’m getting a degree and I go to work, all without much difficulty! I still have some days where I am consumed by intrusive thoughts, but they rarely last more than a day and I give a good attempt to working through them.

My state is still in quarantine and has been for quite a while now, and surprisingly this hasn’t hindered my progress. Yesterday, I had a bad day. It felt like the past, and that I would suddenly never be better and would have to live with this for the rest of my life and I wasn’t prepared to do that. I had no intention to act on the suicidal thoughts, but it petrified me how suddenly and intense they came.

Today I have woken up with a much clearer mentality. (PHEW) It made me realize a few things. Firstly, how well I have progressed the past few months. That this bad day was one day, and not my norm, which it used to be last year. Secondly, it petrified me that mental health is so fragile. Lastly, I plan to return to therapy. I haven’t engaged previously as I was too unwell. So I think soon will be a good time to work through things whilst I’m mentally stronger. I’m well enough currently to live a relatively positive life, but I know I still need to work through a few things and gain some healthy coping mechanisms. I don’t want my life to revolve around mental illness.

I guess this ended up being a positive mental health update? I know the current situation has bought harder times to those with mental illness, so I am here for anyone if you need a chat. Your mental health is SO important, so please stay safe both physically and mentally.

27 comments

  1. I am glad things are going well, like you we are in lock down in uk, with simple steps to relax it. I have anxiety as well as depression, at the moment I am sort of stable good and bad days, I even like shopping at the moment because I have plenty of room, what I am dreading is what happens when it gets back to normal.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing your story, friend. I’m glad things are looking up. I too, have had bad days, some of them recent. Sometimes it takes a bit for them to fade. . . but they always do. Wishing you well!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I applaud you!!!! I am in awe at how well you’re handling the quarantine life mentally (it has been getting to me a lot lately). I love hearing your updates and appreciate you being so candid with us!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m glad that you are managing to cope so well especially under the circumstances we are in at the moment.
    While I’m in lockdown in the UK I have found myself spending most days in my craft room even if I’m not really crafting but just making a mess as it’s my happy room where the outside doesn’t exist.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Great work. Your story sounds very familiar to me, almost like my own. I am still on a significant number of meds, but otherwise I am working part time and going back to school myself. Thanks for sharing your story!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing your story 🙂 It’s really uplifting, but I also appreciate that you acknowledge that not every day is good (even when life in general is going “well”). This is something I often struggle with, as it can be so hard to accept the bad days and move on! x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thank you for sharing this and the message that recovery is not linear. I think I’ve always been anxious, and first got seriously depressed a few years ago. These days I’m doing so much better, and can pretty much live a normal life. But sometimes that means I worry I’m not mentally ill anymore, if that makes sense? I still have low periods where, like you, I feel like everything’s gone back to how it was before and all I can think of is suicide. Those days are hard but also weirdly comforting somehow, as if I still have the familiarity of mental illness. I’m half afraid of never recovering fully, but the other half is afraid that I will be completely recovered one day. Does that make sense or am I horribly attention seeking for kind of liking the mental illness sometimes? Anyway, your post has made me think I should stop over analysing too much, and just accept that things will be up and down and know that – I don’t have to say I’m absolutely fine, or absolutely ill. So sorry for the essay but thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never related more to a comment before! Thank you SO much for this. (sorry for the late reply)

      I too, have an attachment to my mental illness, it feels like a part of identity and without it, who would I be?
      You’re not attention seeking at all, I am the same!
      I personally feel it’s made a difference just recognizing that I won’t always feel the same way, and your brain can change so quickly.
      If you ever want to chat, I’d love to! Thank’s again for your comment, hope you are well!

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s so good to know I’m not alone in that feeling, it’s really not something that is talked about enough and it can be so confusing. That’s a good tip though, I’m trying to work on my acceptance at the moment so I will bear that in mind 🙂

        Yeah I would love to chat too! I write about mental health too, and looking forward to reading more of your stuff 🙂 I hope we can share more in the future – this has made my day!

        Liked by 1 person

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