I’ve been a bit quite the past few weeks, to start with it was because life suddenly got busy again, I had so much to do and writing for my blog was at the back of my mind. I was happily enjoying the sudden speed of my life.
Well that changed last week. I suddenly starting getting intense intrusive thoughts again, they appeared out of no where and took me by surprise as I was doing really well. The first day, I assumed I was just overwhelmed/ burnt out from the sudden increase with everything going on. I didn’t feel like I couldn’t handle it. I had a relaxing day, set myself a very small to do list and got through the day, thinking I would wake up refreshed. I was wrong. The intrusive thoughts were still there, and this again took me by surprise as I hadn’t felt low in a very long time. I struggled to get out of bed, felt unmotivated. (I’m usually a very productive person, whether low or well.)
I spoke to my partner, told him what was happening in my head. He was surprised too, as I had been doing so well and couldn’t think of any triggers. I decided to try and stick to my usual routine and hope it was just a hormonal blip or something that would pass naturally.
It has now been a few days, and things have gotten worse. I’m having intrusive thoughts to end my life. I don’t want to die. Yet I am consumed with the thoughts to do so. It’s hard to process. I don’t know what to do.
As we are on the subject of updates, regarding my reading slump, I am still very much in it. I completed 2 books but they took a very long time and I can’t seem to start another. As I am typing this, I can see how my lack of interest in my favorite hobby can be connected to my current mental health. I hope I can start reading soon, I usually read around 2/3 books a week, it takes up a lot of my time. Therefore, I have had more free time to overthink. Reading is my escapism.
I’m not going to read through this update before I post, as it’s written in the moment, so apologies if it doesn’t make sense. Overall, I have been doing super well for months and months, until the past week, where I am dealing with suicidal ideation. There might be more mental health related posts soon, as I usually find it easier to write when I’m struggling. In a few days is my 6 years self harm free! I hope whoever reads this is doing well. My contact page is always open if you’re struggling and need someone to chat to. I’m sad this isn’t the original optimistic update that I intended, but it is what it is…