Having a hard time after feeling great for months (Is this a relapse?)

It is not unknown on this blog that I suffer with my metal health, I have a dedicated section to solely talk about it. As this isn’t something I talk about in real life. I enjoy freely writing about how I am feeling and what I am struggling with, without anyone knowing who is typing these words. I find it comforting that I can talk without worrying people knowing its me.

I often write as and when I am struggling, as it is easier to come across in the correct way as you actively know how you are feeling. I find it harder to write once I am in a good place, as I can’t remember/don’t realise how bad it truly feels. Saying this, I like to reflect on events/ways I have I have felt in the past, to see the comparison on my mindset. Logical thinking compared to the illogical thoughts I had, and how that can change.

This post is written in a ‘in-between’. I have been in a great, a genuine great place for a few months now, which is wonderful. The past week this has changed a little. I’m not in a ‘bad’ place, but can recognise a dip in myself. I am experiencing more intrusive thoughts, that are starting to affect me again. For example, I had intrusive thoughts whilst in the bath tub that lot’s of little snakes would come through the overflow holes, which nearly resulted in a panic attack.

I have also noticed that I have having intrusive thoughts of suicide this week. This has been confusing as I do not want to die, and genuinely enjoy my life. Yet these thoughts are quite powerful, and it’s hard ignore and not feel this way. As of yet, I am still able to do everything, but it’s taking a little more mental energy. I have a busy couple of weeks coming up, so I hope this creates a distraction and doesn’t result in me becoming overwhelmed.

Therefore, here is me not in a bad place but also not doing great. That’s a wrap on my mini update!

How I deal with everyday stress (from a mentally unwell person)

If you are a long time reader, you are aware that I get intrusive thoughts that bring me a large amount of stress. Today I shall not be talking how to deal with this, but with what I call ‘Normal people stress’. FYI I mean no harm using words like ‘normal’, it’s just what I’ve been calling stressors of day to day life.

What do I mean by normal people stress? This involves the inevitable stressors of life that everyone is bound to experience at some point. This can include things like, working too many hours at work, not having enough time to complete all your college work, worrying about finance, making sure the fridge is full/you’re eating often, catching a cold on top of the above. Oh the list could go on for miles. But I’m guessing you get the point now?

As my intrusive thoughts correlate with how stressed I am. I have learnt to recognise the difference between ‘normal people stress’ and ‘irrational stress’. I have mostly learnt to tell the difference between applying my stress/worrysome thought and imaging my partner in the same situation. He is a very level headed and relaxed person, so I trust his judgement. For example, if I have having stressful thoughts that X person is going to get into an accident on their way home, I would think is this something my partner would be thinking/excessively stressed about? Which it wouldn’t be. Therefore, I know this is an irrational stress. Recognising it itself being a irrational thought makes me a lot calmer.

On the other hand, recognising you’re stressed about everyday life doesn’t make everyday life disappear. But for me personally, every day stress can be controlled. This makes it a lot easier to feel relaxed, and reduce the stress around them. Taking examples from above, if I stress about completing all college/university work before deadlines, whilst also working part time. I control this by planning when I shall work. I write a list/time table every month when I get my shifts, and therefore always have scheduled time to study. List making is a game changer for me! (I may be a little obsessed)

I’m not sure I addressed the title of this post… But I just wanted to quickly ramble about how I find recognising the difference between ‘normal’ stress and irrational stress beneficial for my brain! I’m still learning about my mind and self, and recognition is a huge step forward for me!

What I read in July 2019;

The first week of July was a crazy one for me as I read 7 books in one week! I even surprised myself. I did a whole separate post on these books, so check that out below!

Then in July I started reading the Harry Potter series (See previous post), so the majority of my reads from the rest of this month have been from this. I finished the first 4 books in July, and am currently reading the 5th book so I’m sure it’ll be in my August monthly round up haha. I shall be doing a separate blog post on the whole HP books once I have completed the whole series! (My kindle states I have 25 hours left)

The last book I read before starting the HP series was ‘Joyland’ by Stephen king. This was one of the books from my previous month of reading outside of my comfort zone. I always assumed Stephen King books were scary, so I stayed away from this author, despite being greatly intrigued by how ingenious Stephen King seems to be. This had a underlying spookiness to it, but it wasn’t scary at all. (Coming from a complete wimp). It was based around a college aged boy who went to work in a theme park over summer break, where the whole story is based. No spoilers! I actually really enjoyed this book, and would definitely recommend! 4.5/5.

Therefore, I read a total of 12 books this month, which is a decent amount, and puts me further on track to completing 100 books a year. July reads have all been books that are very outside of my usual reading. I do miss my typical YA contemporary book, but aim to finish the Harry Potter series before I started anything new. I flew through the first 4 books, but to my understanding,they get a lot longer from this one? What was your favourite book you read this month?

Distancing myself from my illness; Mental health update

I haven’t posted in 10 days, it feels like a long time since I last logged in. Simply due to being busy. Stress is normally the main contribution to the severity of my mental health. This is particularly annoying as stress is unavoidable in life. It’s not ‘I’m stressed’ that contributes to the decline, but is often due to (what I call) ‘unconscious stress’. This is where there is a event/worry gives you the symptoms of stress despite not actively thinking about said thing.

Surprisingly, despite having a much busier schedule I haven’t been stressed or overwhelmed by the future. My intrusive thoughts have been a lot quieter. It is only recently that I noticed I haven’t had many intrusive thoughts of suicide, and that in itself is a huge achievement. Even when I wasn’t experiencing them, I was often worried they were going to come. So being in a position when it’s not even on my mind is amazing! I think the reduction in intrusive thoughts is the main reason I am doing so well!

I am thriving! I am doing well in my online degree, going to my part time job isn’t a struggle, and everyday life is great! It not only feels GREAT to be doing so well, but it’s even more exciting sharing it with my partner. I am currently doing my degree part time over summer break, but go back to full time once Fall is here, so that should bring a little more anxiety. But I am currently looking forward to delving more into new modules of my degree!

Distancing myself from my mental illness is going well. Not having it the focus of my life, has already improved my views towards my life, and making it easier to plan the immediate future. I can’t see it yet, but maybe one day I could potentially live a life without this?

I’m doing OK?/ Taking day by day

I haven’t done a mental health related post in a while, as I find it easier to write(or type in this case) when I am struggling. So I’m going to make this post a mini update. As I haven’t been struggling as such, I haven’t known what to write about…

I’m thriving in my current living situation, my new apartment is perfect, and I simply adore being here! It even makes me not want to leave the house haha. I have found a good balance between my part time job and doing my degree online. So lifestyle wise, I am doing great!

I have also regained my absolute love for reading! Oh my, I was in the longest reading slump I have ever been in… Multiple months! For someone who aims to read 100 books a year(and has done successfully for the past 5) This was a huge shock for me. I felt lost without my passion for books. Which I guess contributed to my restlessness. I normally delve into a book when I am overwhelmed, and as I didn’t have this outlet, I guess that caused a change in my state. I am so happy to be reading again, and read 7 books last week alone!

I have had a sudden change in mentality around food&body image, which seems to have come out of nowhere. This has triggered many emotions from the past, and I am actively compensating. TW; Part of me is relieved these feelings have returned, as I have felt so unconfident in myself whilst my mind has been ‘free’ from these thoughts the past couple of years. I feel calm that I now have control over my body now ect. The other part of my brain wants to tell me it’s okay to have x BMI or a soft tummy and eat junk food, as life is too short. But the other part of my brain(that has suddenly resurfaced) has become stronger, and I want it to remain this way, so I can feel ‘better’ about myself. Blah blah blah

I am finding comfort in taking life day by day. In the past (&still present) I have found it difficult not to worry about the future, and overwhelm myself into a bad place. Therefore, I have taken the ‘day by day’ approach, and only ‘worry’ about what I am doing ,thinking and feeling on the given day. This has made me less likely to wake up stressed/ overwhelmed by the days ahead. When I am having a hard time with my thoughts, I tell my this is temporary, and ‘this too shall pass’

I am not in a bad place, nor am I doing amazing. I am simply OK. I am content to just be OK for the time being. This is my update, which basically is just saying, I am doing OK!

An adult who has never read Harry Potter?? ;Book review

Not only have I not read a single Harry Potter book, I have never seen any of the movies… Unlike the rest of the world population, I have never been interested in Harry Potter. This is mostly due to my dislike of anything fantasy/dystopian ect. I made it through childhood, high school and even college without delving into anything Harry Potter related. As an adult now, I am going to attempt to see if it’s amazing as the world perceives it to be. You can walk into any mall, and see merch everywhere, every book store is sure to stock every copy.

After my friends forced me to watch the first movie, I knew if I were to watch the rest I would have to read all the books first. (of course!) Therefore, a few days ago I read the first book, and really enjoyed it, despite seeing the movie the day before. The book was better! That’s what book worms say, and it is very true in this case. As a very opposed to Harry Potter person, even I was screaming at the movie for missing details from the book. (not literally). I enjoyed it, it was an easy read, which I flew through.

I am just about to start reading the 2nd book! I am not going to do a blog post after I have read each one, but I’ll definitely do one after I have read them all. I don’t even know how many there is… Haha! I’m really not a fantasy fan, so I might take breaks between the books. Or I may have it all finished next week, no pressure! Have you read/seen all the Harry Potter books? If so, which is best?

‘Lolita’ by Vladimir Nabokov; Book Review

I first began to read this book as a young teen, and found the literature too difficult, and therefore put the book down. It wasn’t until this week, nearly a decade later that I decided to pick it up again. This time the language was not difficult to read, like I had expected.

I went into this book with an open mind, briefly knowing what the novel is about, but nothing more. I enjoyed the eloquent language. I was intrigued how the reader knew what horrible crime was occurring, yet the main character didn’t write in a wicked way. He knew of the severity of his actions, and stated many times the wrong of what he was doing.

Lolita herself I found difficult to imagine, as the description of her did not match the image I has composed in my mind. I also didn’t expect her age to be of preteen. The story was saddening, yet I enjoyed the way it was written. I suggest being of mature age before attempting to read this novel, not because of the more advance language but due to the nature of paedophilia.

I now understand why everyone adores this book, and I too agree everyone needs to read this book. Have you read this well known book? I’d definitely recommend to all adults! It is an average length book, but I read in just one day as I didn’t want to stop reading. I’d give ‘Lolita’ 5/5.