Ever since my mental health journey began, I have been silent. I have kept my mind to myself, and have only shared my illness with my partner. I have had a few incidents/situations where others have probably wondered/ could see something wasn’t right, but it never escalated, and I was left in my own comfort of privacy.
If you have been reading my posts as of late, you will be aware that very recently I spoke to others about my mental health. This may not be hard for some. but this a HUGE step for me. I know do not know where this leads me now. They have been incredibly supportive, and repetitively made me aware that I can reach out to them at any time.
I do not know how to ask for help? When I am feeling particularly low or suicidal, and am wanting to reach out. How? How do I ask for support, when I don’t exactly know what I’d like them to do? Won’t it feel like I am burdening them? I don’t want people to go out of there way or spend their own time with me. Yet when experiencing suicidal thoughts, it can be nice to know you are not alone.
As always, I am in two mindsets about everything…
This is a little odd thing for me to write about as every time I try to describe this in real life, it doesn’t quite represent what I am actually trying to explain. The title of this post is very reflective on what I am going to write about haha. It is more of a mental mess than physical, but applies to both. I am a typical ‘neat freak’. I feel uncomfortable when items aren’t in the place they are supposed to be. I thrive on tidiness!
My partner is not a tidy person, and I do not mind this as I get to tidy up after him too, haha. My issue is not just having things in the ‘correct’ place, but to have them out of vision. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is a great saying for me! I physically cannot think clearly where there is other things that aren’t needed. For example, a desk. If I want to study, the desk has to be completely empty, as in pens, notebooks, cups or material that is not being used. If I need to use more than one text book, only one can be on the table and open at a time. Otherwise I feel I have to have the content from both books in my mind. Odd, I know.
My main focus of this ‘issue’ is to not have excess ‘space’/memory in my mind cluttered with non useful/ only parts of information. I aim to have only in my head the amount needed, and be confident I am fully in control/fully known the information.
It does and can affect my day to day life. I only allow myself to listen to 3 different artists. I don’t mind too much, but it would be nice to be able to comfortably listen to new music. I have 3 albums on spotify,one for each artist. I have to know all the songs before they go in. Therefore when a new album comes out by one of my artists I have to constantly listen to it on repeat for a few weeks. One of the three artists no longer makes music, therefore this is my most comfortable and relaxing album, as the extent of this space in my brain is already filled.
I could write lots more different ways in which this idea of having mess in my brain affects different things. Would you like me to write about more? Do you also experience this? I’d love to know your opinions. Do you think this is a quirk or an issue?