Mental Health

A positive mental health update?

I doubt anyone has paid particular attention but my posts have been more book related than the usual mental health focus. This is mainly because I find it harder to talk about my mental health when I am well. Is this odd? I think it’s because my mind is not one hundred percent focused on my brain like it is when I am mentally unwell. When unwell it seems to be the only thing I think about. So it’s nice to not be thinking about my brain for once!

Firstly, the biggest aspect that has changed in my mental health is my suicidal ideation. Up until a few months ago, I would often get intense intrusive thoughts about ending my life. They use to be deliberating, then once I began to get better they were hard to deal with, but I was able to get on with day to day life. Currently, I very rarely feel suicidal. After 6ish years of feeling this way, it is a phenomenal change of mind. I thought I would always have suicide in the back of my mind. I’m still not at the stage where I’m 100% confident this won’t be my answer, but it’s definitely getting closer! I can’t describe in words how wonderful it feels to not feel this way. I can actually work on future targets as I now believe I’ll have one. This has bought so many positives in my life. I’m evening changing my college degree in the fall as I feel I’ll have a better future with this option. (Despite making me feel ‘stupid’)

Anxiety has also reduced significantly. It often goes through periods of good and severe, but this is different. When I have anxious thoughts my mind doesn’t react in the way it used to. I have exams coming up soon, and I feel I am going to be able handle them in a healthy way. (post coming soon) My day job is also more manageable, I’m no longer plagued with thoughts that I’m not good enough and my colleagues feel I’m letting them down. This has not only improving my day at work, but also the nights before where I would previously be anxious for the next day.

This isn’t an advice post, or anything in particular. I just wanted to write down my current mental health. A positive mental health update is a new thing for this blog, and I hope there is more to come!!

I have planned a few other mental health related posts, including:

-How I’m doing CBT – Knowing when to take a break studying – Mental illness in work and education/ how to go about it – my experience of ‘forced’ recovery- & many more! I’m also open to suggestions on posts, and will answer any mental health related questions!

Books

The GoodReads Book Tag

What was the last book you marked as ‘read’? Counting my 7’s by Holly Goldberg Sloan.

What are you currently reading? A map days. The fourth Miss Peregrines peculiar children book.

What was the last book you marked ‘TBR’? The boy who steals houses by C.G Drew

What book do you plan on reading next? The fifth book of the Peculiar children series! (I normally hate fantasy, and am so intrigued by this dark fantasy series I’m loving…)

Do you use the star rating system? I do! I like having a consistent system for rating books!

Are you doing a 2020 reading Challenge? I’m doing my own challenge, which is 100 books this year!

Do you have a wish-list? Not particularly, mostly just of a TBR as I rarely buy new books anymore!

What book do you plan to buy next? The new Cathy Glass book that came out last week. (I only buy new books that I can’t get 2nd or in the library because they’re new)

Do you have any favorite quotes, would you like to share a few? I’m not one to remember book quotes unless I write them down. But my favorite quote is ‘A comfort zone is a nice place to be, but nothing ever grows there’

Who are your favorite authors? I’m not particularly an author reader, more genre attracted! But Cathy Glass and Torey Hayden are my favorite non fiction authors!

Have you joined any groups? I can’t find a group that works well for me, but I hope to!

I tag everyone who’s currently reading this! I enjoy answering tags, and I hope in a few years to compare how my answers have changed. Happy reading everyone!

Mental Health

Current update on my mental health

I’ve had a little bit of a hiatus and this is mainly because I’m in the middle of a blip. I thought I was doing horrendous but as pointed out from my partner I’m managing well. Despite my current brain, I’ve somehow kept going. I’m still at work, I’m still meeting my degree deadlines. This in itself is showing me how far I’ve come.

Thoughts to self harm have returned. I know I’ll stay safe, it’s just a matter of rationalising and waiting for them to pass. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to, I’m just aware I shouldn’t. It’s mentally exhausting trying to get through them. I haven’t cut myself in over 5 years, and the majority of that time the thought to harm myself hasn’t been present, so it’s a little hard that they’ve returned after so long.

Worthlessness is playing a huge part in my life currently. I’m finding it difficult to see why I should carry on doing all the things I am. I don’t want to engage with anyone as I don’t want to be a burden. I want to go without it affecting anyone. I rationally know this isn’t possible. I don’t even want to leave. I love my partner so much that it’s worth staying alive just to spend time together. I don’t want to burden him. I feel incredibly guilty and worthless that he has to deal with me. He deserves the world.

I feel guilty about the space I’m taking up. I don’t know what I currently should do. I know this feeling will pass (I hope) it’s just a matter of getting through. I’m currently home alone for a few days, so this will be testing. I’m annoyed that I’m experiencing this now. I have so much to do, so much to live for. I want to be alive.

I’m okay. I will get through. Just struggling.

Mental Health

Want to be my internet friend?

I know this seems a little cringey, but I am struggling a little at the moment and was wondering if anyone would like to become online friends? I lack close relationships in real life since moving. (although I do have my partner) You don’t have to read my blog, or know anything about me, I’d just like to connect with someone. It can be through whatsapp, email, any platform that you feel comfortable with. Comment on this post, or go to my ‘Contact’ page to discuss! ❤

Books

‘The man who mistook his wife for a hat’ by Oliver Sacks; Book review/microreview.

I was a little dissapointed by this book, but I think this is mainly because it was not what I expected it to be at all. This book is very overrated in my opinion.(would love to hear your opinions)

Considering this is a psychology book, it is easy to understand for the average non psychology degree student, which I liked. It took me a while to finish this book, which is not normal for me. I did want to finish it, I just wasn’t excited to keep picking it up, which never happens for me. So I guess this means I didn’t enjoy it?

It was my first psychology book written in this way, which may be why I didn’t find it a breezey read, compared to my usual genre of contemporary YA. I didn’t dislike this book, I found the content interesting. There was just something about it that didn’t grasp me. I don’t have much to say about this book, good or bad. Hence, the microreview.

Overall, I’d give it a 3/5.