I miss my therapist?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

This is an odd thing for me to write about as I never thought I would struggle with this. My mental health is rather hidden in my life, not many people know about it. A few months ago I wrote about my experience with online CBT. I spoke to a licensed therapist 5 days a week, for nearly 30 weeks. I struggled to be open at first, but after a few weeks I began to see the benefits and really engaged.

I had CBT for 6 months with the same therapist. The first therapist I saw said my needs were too complex, which put me off seeking help. I did not work with him, but decided to give it one more chance. I then met the therapist I worked with, we connected well and I felt he was a good match for my needs. We intended to do CBT for 12 months together, and then take things from there. After 6 months, he opened his own private practice in the states, so would not be able to work with me anymore.

I was devastated, the 6 months of therapy had really began to help me. I was frightened to suddenly stop, and not progress further. I felt I was leaving therapy with only half of the tools I needed.

I had the option to carry on therapy with another therapist but felt like this would be a step back, especially as it would take me a few months to get comfortable.(Also therapy is very expensive, and as a young adult feel the extra cost wasn’t the right time) I decided to leave all therapy and try to use the skills I had started working through. It has been beneficial, but feel I need to work through a few more things with a professional. I am coping well, and feel now is not the time.

When I am struggling, I often think I would know how to cope with the situation if my therapist didn’t leave me. I yearn for the professional advise that was personalized to me. I balanced my irrational thoughts with the sane thoughts we spoke of, and when I experience intrusive thoughts I miss his rationale. I feel embarrassed that I miss my therapist, its only from a professional relationship. I guess its normal to miss that safety.

Which bring us go now! I am currently medicine and therapy free, and thriving! It’s been 4 months since ‘my therapist left me’ and I have grown so much! I am thankful of the skills I learnt in CBT, but am able to acknowledge there is still more work to be done in the future. I have no immediate plans, but am confident in keeping myself safe. I still experience intrusive thoughts of suicide but can mostly work through them with the help of my partner.

Have I recovered?

I’ve been a bit quiet recently, and it’s not due to being in a bad place. It’s actually the opposite! I want to carry on writing posts about mental health but find it difficult to write unless I am going through it. I want my blog to remain authentic. Therefore, there may not be as many mental health related posts as previous, but I’m sure there will be some soon. I’m not going to rush myself, and am going to write as and when it comes to me.

In the meantime, I’m going to make this post a mini update. My next post will be book related. I am going travelling at the end of the month, so have a lot to keep me busy! I need to plan what books I want to read on the journey! Any suggestions?

I had an incident a few days ago,  not self harm related! But it means I can’t work for the next couple of weeks. I am using this time to get ahead at university! I am currently thoroughly enjoying my degree, and it’s shown in my grades! I hope this year is the same!

Mental health is at an all time best, and has been for around 4 months now! I’m honestly amazed at my progress! This will be my year of growth! I’m optimistic about the future, this is extremely rare for me!

 

The Paper Room (a poem I wrote about my brain)

This is hard for me to post,I didn’t plan on ever sharing. I am not a writer, I have never enjoyed writing but one night last year I couldn’t sleep(very rare for me) I wrote this ‘poem’. I’m not sure if I can call it a poem as I don’t know much about writing. I wrote about comparing my intrusive thoughts to pieces of paper, and how my brain processes them as if I were a recycling room. The perfectionist in me wants to this piece, but I’m not going to. Here is a first(a mostly likely the only time I’ll revisit this) draft:

All my happy thoughts and memories are stored neatly in categories in my brain, in a filing system. There is a little wicker basket placed on top of the filing system, full of all the stressful thoughts, that can’t be filed in the system. My brain doesn’t function stress, so the stressful basket of thoughts gets put into the recycling room, with all the other bad thoughts. So there isn’t a wicker basket at all.

Inside the recycling room, the metaphorical fan is left on, all the bad thoughts are flying around the room, in a mess. The days where my brain is stuck in the recycling room, it’s like my brain is full of negative thoughts that repeat repeat repeat as they fly around. There’s no organisation, just messy thoughts. You try and get in control of one thought of paper, when the next flies in front, before you’ve had time to hold onto the first. So you’re still left with racing negative thoughts all day. Being inside the recycling room nothing is achieved, just left down, hopeless and unproductive.

Days when I’m in the filing system are good, it’s in my comfort zone. My thoughts are structured and calm. This sounds perfect. Yet it means I can’t deal with any new things, and the stressful things never get done. Which leaves me being punished for not doing things, like eat and do homework.

I can’t find a way in-between these mind sets. My brain can’t process. I don’t know what to do in this paper room.

I don’t know who I am?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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I’ve always felt the need to have a distinct identity. When someone asks what do you do? I want to be able to answer with a definitive; a doctor, a teacher, an athlete, someone who travels a lot? But I have no answer. I’m studying for a degree, so do I just say I’m a student? I don’t feel like this is a large part of my life currently. I do college/university online

I’ve struggled so much with needing a purpose, but not knowing what it is. I still don’t. I am hoping to one day find passion. I would then be able to pursue it, even if its not related to my degree. I have 3 years of my degree left, I hope I figure it out before then, I guess its ok if don’t. I know (hope)that I will find it one day.

When feeling suicidal I often look for reasons why I am worthy, and rarely can think of any. What am I bringing into the world? I have no friends, I don’t regularly talk to anyone apart from my boyfriend so I don’t need to worry that my going will cause large pain to others. It sounds silly that my reasons for staying alive are my partner, but it’s true. What if we break apart, how am I going to find a reason to live? How can I put this much pressure on him? I feel selfish. We have been together 5 years now, so am confident he wants me in his life. He invited me to move in, we have been living together for a few years now, but when I overthink, this logic goes out of the window. I am hugely comforted if he is there when I experience suicidal ideation. I shouldn’t be relying on anyone.

I don’t know who I am. I don’t feel safe in my own company. I feel lonely. I’ve tried making friends, as cringey as that is. I don’t connect with anyone. I feel so left out. Why can’t I find people who share the same interests as me? After losing the connection with my best friend a few years ago, I don’t think any friendship can compare. I struggle to trust others, how will I be friendship material?

Lack of friendship and not quite being ready for my career to begin have left me feeling worthless. Who am I without these things? I need a purpose.

Has an eating disorder effected my fertility?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of eating disorders,suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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In the depths of my disordered eating,due to the lack of calories and over purging, my period stopped for multiple months. My body didn’t have enough intake to reproduce, let alone menstruate. Once I started fuelling my body, my period eventually returned! Oh I was grateful! I have had a regular period for 2 years now.

But I am worried,what if them few months caused permanent damage to my reproductive system? Children are definitely wanted in my life. I guess there is no way to find out until the time comes where I am ready to have children. I am currently on ‘the pill’, and when my partner and I have been ‘risky’ I haven’t had any shocks, which is good! But in the back of my mind I worried it’s because I am infertile. I lack friends, therefore I don’t know if this is a worry for the average women? (Would anyone like a separate post on intimacy/sex and mental illness? For example;body image,lack of desire/vise versa,impulsiveness.

I realise this is a very personal topic to talk about, therefore my emails are open if anyone has any questions. My blog is anonymous hence my openness. I’ve been struggling with suicidal intrusive thoughts often the past few weeks, and I’ve liked being on here to distract myself. I don’t have social media so it’s nice to have this platform. I wasn’t going to post this as it’s very short/not filled with much context, it didn’t’ feel ‘good enough’. I then reminded myself this is MY blog, and like a diary, therefore does not need expectation. Thank you for reading, struggling tonight so if anyone wants to comment/email to chat,I’d be grateful! What is your favourite book?

Why do I have low self esteem?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of mental illness, especially eating disorders. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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This probably sounds like I am going write a post on all the things that make me feel insecure, but no, that’s not helpful to anyone. It’s just a little ramble.

I have very low self esteem and image, and I’m not exactly sure why, or how to explain. Here’s an example;

Last week I had a job interview, I was very nervous and felt It did not go well, despite having a good resume and being able to answer all the questions. I pushed all thoughts about the job out of my mind, and forgot out it. I got a call a few days later saying out of the one hundred people they interviewed, they would like me to do a trail shift. This doesn’t mean I’ve got the job, as a few others also were going to do a trial, and they would then choose out of those on trial. I did my trial shift last week, and I enjoyed it, but knew the job wasn’t mine as I wouldn’t be better than the others. Yesterday I got a call,the job was mine, I stood out, they were very impressed. I start in a few days. One hundred people and they thought I was best? I still don’t believe it,maybe it was luck?

I know I have the skills, and I’m a smiley person, but I genuinely believe everyone else is better than me. I have no idea how to get over this? I don’t push myself as I’m afraid it’ll look like I’m over confident. I don’t speak up even when I know how to do something that someone else doesn’t, as I don’t want them to think I’m better than them. I overthink far too much. If I make a small mistake, I obsess over it for the rest of the day, and feel stupid. Yet in my mind, I know its very minor and everyone else has forgotten.

I have a very logical part of my brain, but the other half fails to listen to it.

It’s not just in work, in most aspects of my life too. It affects my study. I do well in my degree,I enjoy it, I’m always a week or two ahead as it makes me comfortable. But I still feel stupid. I get good grades as I naturally have a good memory, not because I’m smart. Yet I’ve never failed, I’m always up to date, I get relatively good grades, doesn’t that logically mean I am doing well in my education? Why can’t I have faith and confidence in myself and abilities?

Low body image:

I understand why this is an issue, it seems logical to me. I use to have an eating disorder. I can understand why I currently feel low about myself, but I can see a way to work towards it. I am finally in a place where I can eat food consistently, without consequence behavior, this has resulted in weight gain. I’m not overweight, but my bmi is high healthy, not what I am used to, or comfortable with. I want to lose weight, of course I do, its engraved in my thoughts, but I know now it’ll not be healthy to currently do so.

TW! I used to only eat once per 24 hours, and if I were to binge eat, I’d purge straight after. I haven’t made myself throw up this year, despite eating lots of treat food. I use to chew my food, but not swallow it. I only realized recently how disordered that is! I turned vegetarian to cut food groups out, not for ethical reasons. Again, I didn’t realize this was disordered until recently.  If I’m craving something now, I let myself eat it, even if it’s a little over indulgent.

I’m going to continue to let myself eat spontaneously, until I build a secure healthy relationship with food. I aim to have a consistent, healthy diet,but also includes treats. I’m not there yet. I can currently only believe a diet will consist of restriction.

I currently avoid thinking of my body, it’s working for me being naive. I don’t weigh myself. I avoid looking in full length mirrors. I wear clothes I am comfortable in. This isn’t a permanent solution, but one that is short term working for me.

This post makes little sense, has little structure but I shall still post as this is my blog, and therefore should not have expectations. Thank you for reading.

p.s- anyone who read my last post, I have an appointment to donate blood in 3 days(!!)

Giving blood and self harm?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of self harm, suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

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I’m planning to give blood for the first time in a couple of weeks, and I’m anxious. Not because of needles, or going to a new place, but if they will let me. I’ve googled, never a good idea, and there were lots of comment, but none that I found particularly helpful. I haven’t self-harmed in 4 years now, so do not have any fresh wounds or risk of infection. Therefore, I assume that I will be able to donate? I still have visible scars on my arms, so I can’t hide them from the people who take the blood. I don’t speak about my past struggle, so I’m worried the questions the nurses may ask.

I haven’t been able to give blood until the age of 20, as I’m very short and you have to have a certain liters of blood ect. I hope they don’t weigh me at the clinic. I sound very negative around a situation I can easily avoid, but I really would like to give blood. I’ve always wanted to, but haven’t been able to because of my weight, now I am in my twenties weight/height is no longer a risk. I want to be able to walk in the clinic, donate, and return again every 3 months. Let’s hope its that hassle free. Am I being realistic? Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated!

I will do an update post next month, once the appointment has been. Thank you for reading. Wish me luck!