Mental Health

My mental health goals for 2020

I’m not one for New years resolutions, so these are more goals that I want to keep indefinitely, not just for the year. It is also a little odd for me to be writing this as I’ve been in a really good place for a few months now. I’ve struggled with my mental health for about 7 years now, it’s differed in severity over that time. I’ve been relatively well for a couple years now, with only a few blips in the way. I have not self harmed in 5 years. I am not currently on medication or receiving psychological intervention. A brief introduction on my situation out of the way…

  1. My first goal is to stick to my consistent sleeping schedule. I’ve been doing this a while, and it really affects me! I didn’t realize it could play a huge part in my mental health. I’m not too strict on it, I give myself a little lay in when I need to, and rarely stay away past midnight but I averagely get a solid 8 hours a night! I feel this consistency really has given me the mental energy I need, especially when I’m struggling a little. I don’t sleep too long or too little!
  2. Saying ‘no’: This use to be a big problem for me, and is something I’m still not the best at. I’m getting good at doing it over text/email but is still hard for me in person. A few too many times I have said yes in my job, when I know I wanted / needed to say no. Therefore, this year I aim to say ‘no’ more when it could negatively affect my mental health.
  3. Self help? I’ve had multiple types of therapy since my journey began all those years ago, but I wasn’t in the mindset to want to get better, which is why I suppose they didn’t help much. I want to be, and stay better now. So I’m aiming to delve into the world of self help. Mainly in the form of books! I’ve always been skeptical but there is no harm trying something that could potentially help!
  4. Find a hobby: I lack a hobbie that I can leap myself full force into, and escape from the world for a while. I love reading and blogging, but they are very self focused and lack the aspects that I’m wanting to get into. I am going to try a few different classes this year, sport wise, art wise, anything I can find local! Knitting also seems appealing, but I’m not the best at sticking to things I’m not good at… I’m going to try a few and see where I end up in a few months!
  5. Don’t let a negative emotion ruin my whole day: I’m not the most positive of people so when something bad happens, or I’m not feeling the best, I’d often naturally see my whole day as negative which is something I want to change. I understand I’m going to have harder days, and negative events are going to happen, but I’m hoping I can turn it around and not let the whole day be affected.

These are just a few things I hope to improve upon this year! I also did a bookolution (book related goals) post previously if you’d like to check that out!

Books

My reading habit book tag/2020 edition

  • DO YOU HAVE A CERTAIN PLACE AT HOME FOR READING? My favorite place to read is in the bath… I can spend hours submerged in a steamy bubble bath with a good book!
  • BOOKMARK OR A RANDOM PIECE OF PAPER? I like to have a bookmark, I have a couple of special ones which I love to use, but I often forget them if I start a new book if I’m out. My current book is has a candy wrapper as a bookmark…
  • CAN YOU STOP READING ANYTIME YOU WANT OR DO YOU HAVE TO STOP AT A CERTAIN PAGE, CHAPTER, PART ETC..? I HAVE to finish at the end of a page, even if it is mid sentence, is that odd?? I feel too much pressure if I have to finish at chapters.
  • DO YOU EAT OR DRINK WHILE READING? I love to snack… Therefore I grab my favorite bowl and fill it with little nibbly snacks that can be eaten without paying attention whilst I read. (Does that make sense?). I also love a hot mug of freshly brewed coffee!
  • CAN YOU READ WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC/WATCHING TV? I can, but prefer not to! Unpopular opinion, but I’m not much of a music listener…
  • ONE BOOK AT A TIME, OR SEVERAL AT ONCE? Definitely just one book at a time, I like to get to know each character well for a couple days! The only time I read multiple is if it’s a coffee table or self help book.
  • READING AT HOME OR EVERYWHERE? Everywhere!! No matter where I am heading, I’ll always bring a book to read. I read on public transport often.
  • READING OUT LOUD OR SILENTLY IN YOUR HEAD? Silently (or not silent for my mind…) in my head. I love reading out loud, but don’t think anyone would appreciate that!
  • DO YOU READ AHEAD OR SKIP PAGES? Reading ahead is not something you’ll ever see me do!
  • BREAKING THE SPINE OR KEEPING IT NEW? Breaking the spine! I love a pre used book more than a new one…
  • DO YOU WRITE IN BOOKS? Nooooope!
  • When do you find yourself reading? Morning, afternoon, evening, whenever you get the chance or all the time? ALL THE TIME
  •  What do you do first – Read or Watch? Always have to read the book before the movie, although it’s rare the books I read actually have adaptions.
  • What form do you prefer? Audiobook, E-book or physical book? Without a doubt physical book! Although I use my kindle too.
  • Do you have a unique habit when you read? Not that I can think of…
  • Do book series have to match? I don’t mind! I don’t actually own a single set of series…
Books

To Kill a Mockingbird: Micro-review

This is my first review of the decade/ new year, and what a great one to start with. This year I aim to read more classic fiction, all those books everyone should read in their life time. I decided to start with To Kill a Mockingbird and what a great introduction was this.

Firstly, my favorite genre for the past few years has been YA, and this book surprisingly gave me this vibe. I’m not sure why, but I expected this book to be slow. I was wrong, I flew through this book, and finished it within 24 hours of starting. (Writing this on January 4th and I’ve already finished 3 books thus far). I think ‘Coming of age fiction’ is going to be my new YA.

I’m going to try and make this spoiler free… The characters were all unique, the infamous Atticus Finch, a distant man and quiet father yet you still feel great emotion pouring from him was a strong basis to this book. The siblings Scout and Jem. These two were definitely my favorite characters, both very different yet I can’t pick one. Boo Radley displayed a great mystery to his character, and one that I’m sure will fascinate the audience. Despite often forgetting about him during parts of the story. I was very intrigued by his character. I was also fond of Calpurnia.

This book involved heavy topics, including racism, domestic violence/rape, death ect, yet due to the story being written by Scout, the youngest of the siblings, it had a great aspect of innocence to it. I can see why many middle schools choose this for English class, and wonder what I would have thought if I read this as a teen. The story flowed well, language was beautiful yet not difficult and made me not want to put it down.

The story line kept me intrigued, I fell in love with the characters, I can understand why Harper Lee will forever be seen as a great author. I have no faults on this novel, and give it 5/5. To Kill a Mocking Bird is a book everyone should read and can’t believe I didn’t pick this up sooner. I have ‘Go Set a Watchmen’ by Harper Lee, but am not going to read it straight away. Everyone had to wait 45 years after To Kill and Mockingbird… I definitely won’t leave it that long to pick up the next one, maybe a few months. Have you read both?

Books

My 2020 Bookalutions

I’m not one for making new years resolutions (I don’t think you need to wait for the new year to give yourself a fresh start) but decided to make a few book related goals I would like to accomplish this year, and for the whole decade.

-My main book goal is to record EVERY book I read on paper. I am currently in my favorite coffee shop studying and writing blog posts, and on my walk home I shall pop into a independent store (or end up in TJmaxx) and buy myself a special notebook to do this. I’m going to try and find a strong one as I imagine it will take years to fill up. I hope this is a habit I will keep for life. I’m just about to finish a book, and thus this evening the notebook will hopefully begin! I can’t wait to see the book slowly fill with books I’ve read.

-Secondly, I want to keep my orignal goal of reading 100 books a year. This seems overwhelming to say out loud, but it works out to only 8-9 books a month, which is manageable for me! I completed this 5 years in a row! Although this year I’m not sure I did, as I didn’t record any of my read books, nor did I do monthly wrap ups on my blog which I could have worked out overall. Which is a shame… Hence why my first goal is so important!

– Write more book related blog posts. I enjoy my blog in the sense I can write about anything I please. I find it helpful writing about my mental health, and will still do this, but I would like to write more book ones as I do thoroughly enjoy them once I’ve started. I aim to do at least a monthly wrap and an individual book review a month, with a mixture of other posts.

– My last goal is to delete my TBR and not make a new one. This probably shocks all of you with a book blog… I struggle with spontaneity and having lists for literally everything. Therefore, I thought taking away this list would help combat this struggle. It’s a list I refer to quite often, but without it, it won’t increase my anxiety. (If that makes sense?) In comparison to removing a list related to my degree ect. I will pick a book as and when I finish the current one. I’ll still have a TBR in the sense that I have books on my shelf that I want to read, and have a specific shelf for this. (I’m currently writing an update post on my book shelf and how it recently significantly changed)

Do you have any bookalutions?

Mental Health

Current update on my mental health

I’ve had a little bit of a hiatus and this is mainly because I’m in the middle of a blip. I thought I was doing horrendous but as pointed out from my partner I’m managing well. Despite my current brain, I’ve somehow kept going. I’m still at work, I’m still meeting my degree deadlines. This in itself is showing me how far I’ve come.

Thoughts to self harm have returned. I know I’ll stay safe, it’s just a matter of rationalising and waiting for them to pass. This doesn’t mean I don’t want to, I’m just aware I shouldn’t. It’s mentally exhausting trying to get through them. I haven’t cut myself in over 5 years, and the majority of that time the thought to harm myself hasn’t been present, so it’s a little hard that they’ve returned after so long.

Worthlessness is playing a huge part in my life currently. I’m finding it difficult to see why I should carry on doing all the things I am. I don’t want to engage with anyone as I don’t want to be a burden. I want to go without it affecting anyone. I rationally know this isn’t possible. I don’t even want to leave. I love my partner so much that it’s worth staying alive just to spend time together. I don’t want to burden him. I feel incredibly guilty and worthless that he has to deal with me. He deserves the world.

I feel guilty about the space I’m taking up. I don’t know what I currently should do. I know this feeling will pass (I hope) it’s just a matter of getting through. I’m currently home alone for a few days, so this will be testing. I’m annoyed that I’m experiencing this now. I have so much to do, so much to live for. I want to be alive.

I’m okay. I will get through. Just struggling.

Books

TEN SHORT STORIES by Roald Dahl; Book review

I’m writing this review on a train journey,instantly after finishing the stories, of which I flew through. Roald Dahl is my favourite childrens authtor, and upon finding out he also wrote adult books, I was very excited to delve into them.

I have read very few short stories, so went into this book open minded. Some of the stories were 10 pages long,others only 3. I enjoyed how you could read an entire story in just a few minutes. The aspect I enjoyed most about these short stories in the particular were the endings, often witty and clever. Stories you want to share with others mid conversation.

There is an underlying darkness to ending of each story, which really adds another element, and often takes you by surprise. My favorite of the stories was ‘Parson’s pleasure’. The stories are too short to give you any details without spoilers..

Roald Dahl is an author I adore, and this collection of stories just emphasizes that. I love the language used, the attention to detail , the way the stories unfold. I was hesitate to read some of his books not targeted for children and I didn’t want my opinion tarnished. (not that it could) This book bought me so much joy.

I definitely recommend this book to all ages and genre lovers. I found this book for 30 cent in thrift store! I adore my copy, a vintage style and the pages are tinted with age. Oh so beautiful! If you have read my post on my book minimalism, you will understand how significent it is for me to keep this book on my shelf.

Definitely a 10/10 read!

Mental Health

Is my journey over?

Firstly, I’d just like to put a trigger warning on this post for anyone who is sensitive to the topic of suicide and mental illness. These posts are written in diary form, therefore it is not necessarily factual/helpful to those who may be struggling, please take this into consideration when reading. If anything causes you concern, you are welcome to email me or reach out to a mental health helpline.

I’m writing this blog post as I’m currently in the middle of experiencing suicidal ideation. I’m having intrusive thoughts of suicide. I don’t feel I can control them. It’s distorting my rationale. I’m not at risk to myself,I know I do not want to go.

It’s difficult hearing your brain tell you to leave. It’s difficult believing your true self that this isn’t what you want. Whom do I trust?

I’m safe.

Knowing I don’t want to die doesn’t reassure me. What if my brain takes over completely? I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I’ve felt this way many a times before. Only a few weeks ago I was in a similar situation yet here I am,having had a good month.

It’s confusing being happy and yet also suicidal.

Reassuring myself that this feeling is temporary. (Not because my life will end,but because the thoughts will calm). Such seriousness should not be met with my sarcasm.

I’ve got through 100% of my suicidal thoughts, statistical I’m great.

Tomorrow will be a new day, and I’ll no longer remember the intensity I am feeling right now.

I’ll be ok.